Making a Rainbow Connection

Sh'ma Ysrael YHVH Eloheynu YHVH Echad! Deut 6:4

The above verse is taken from the Torah and is at the core of Jewish prayer. It can be loosely translated Listen God-wrestlers, IS/WAS/WILL BE is OUR DIVINE SOURCE, IS/WAS/WILL BE ONE!



The greatest bit of knowledge comes from listening to the syllables of the Sh'ma itself.


Shhhhhhhh-mmmmmmmmmmm- aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh



Shhh -- the sounds of silence, quieting our inner voices if you will so that we can hear that still small voice.

mmmm -- the sound of grateful fullness and abundance, of having enough no matter what our circumstance

ahhh -- the release into wonder, the unknown, letting go of all we hold dear to be filld once again with life giving spirit.

We are asked to listen to a God who is bigger than any one dimension or faith tradition or belief system. Who can speak to us in many and varied and unexpected ways.

Listen, what do you hear?

(excerpted from a reflection by Rabbi Shawn Israel Zevit in Listen A Seeker's Resource for Spiritual Direction International April 2009, Vol 3 Issue 2.)

Just after I read the above passage yesterday I drove to pick up my daughter from her class. It had just stopped raining and the sun was shining. As I drove through the Shining sun A huge rainbow, probably the largest one I have ever seen in my lifetime, appeared on the horizon in front of me as I crested a hill just before the turn. It was totally awe inspiring and a perfect example of what I had just read. Sh'ma!

Somehow I understood that prayer in a way I never had before because of the words I had read and the rainbow in the sky. My senses were full of the majesty of God. I was awestruck and humbled, and felt very loved all at the same time.

God is so good. I just wanted to share with you.

Pax

Paulist Message:

Return to the Lord's love. Do you hold his priceless kindness, forbearance, and patience in low esteem, unaware that the kindness of God would lead you to repentance?
~ St. Paul, Romans 2:4


Each movement of heaven-winning virtue, and especially love, hope, faith and repentance, is made because the Holy Spirit has acted upon the soul in an efficacious manner.
~ Father Isaac Hecker, Servant of God,
founder of the Missionary Society of St. Paul the Apostle (1819 - 1888)



Pax

Where is God?

I went for my monthly Spiritual Direction visit today. After listening to me recount my life as I have lived it over the last month - trying to juggle being a mother, wife, student, daughter, housekeeper (yeah, a lot of that has gotten done this last month) friend, sister, evangelist, pilgrim, etc, etc. Fr. had the nerve to ask "where do you find God in all of this?"

I sat there in stunned silence for a moment, thinking.

It was then I realized, God must be here, in the midst of the struggle, and the anguish over the essays and the rush to cook dinner for a family that I have all but ignored all day trying to get something on paper. He must be somewhere in the piles of laundry that go unwashed another day as I struggle to fit in one more visit to Mrs Alzheimer's, who doesn't care that I am there and really doesn't want me to visit anyway. There is a grace in all of this even if the grace isn't bringing with it the peace that I normally feel.

The Israelites in the desert didn't feel a great deal of peace I am guessing, but God was with them every step of their journey testing them, making them stronger and proving them to be His people.

So, I came away from Spiritual Direction with the promise that God is with me in the struggle that I find myself in at the present moment. So long as I keep taking the next step of faith and making the next right decision God will guide me through and eventually I will regain that sense of peace and balance that I need in my life.

Let's just hope that happens before I lose all my pretty marbles mkay?

Pax

When It All Feels Like Too Much . . .

I am sitting here at my computer trying to begin one of my essays, but I am completely devoid of anything pertinent to say on the subject of Heresies in the ancient church. I am also waiting for return calls from my mother's lawyer and nursing home. I am also waiting for the delivery of a mower that mrangelmeg sent out to be fixed, which is supposed to be delivered this morning.

My suitcase is on the floor beside my chair, still half-packed from the two day car ride with-funeral that I just returned from Tuesday. That might be a good thing because most of the clothes that are still in the suitcase are clean: I will just tell mrangelmeg that I am getting a head start on my packing for the weekend. I am taking a short trip to visit friends and spend Saturday researching for my papers in my Gradual School Library (an award winning piece of architectural beauty I might add). Yeah, I am just starting to pack early.

Mrangelmeg informed me last night that he will be gone part of the next two weeks, and I should get used to this pattern because for the foreseeable future this is his life; he will be home long enough each week to pay bills and exchange his clothes for clean ones and hopefully attend Mass as a family before he will be off again. The bright side is that he will be racking up tons of frequent flyer miles I suppose.

I know that we are told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I have often said (and really feel this way at this moment) that my shoulders must look a lot more broad and strong from his perspective in heaven than they actually are. I am feeling slightly overwhelmed at this moment.

And yet, the Office of readings this morning was again from the book of Wisdom:

For Wisdom is mobile beyond all motion,
and she penetrates and pervades all things by reason of her purity.
For she is an aura of the might of God
and a pure effusion of the glory of the Almighty;
therefore nought that is sullied enters into her.

For she is the refulgence of eternal light,
the spotless mirror of the power of God,
the image of his goodness.
And she, who is one, can do all things,
and renews everything while herself perduring;
And passing into holy souls from age to age,
she produces friends of God and prophets.
For there is nought God loves, be it not one who dwells with Wisdom.

For she is fairer than the sun and surpasses every constellation of the stars.
Compared to light, she takes precedence;
for that, indeed, night supplants,
but wickedness prevails not over Wisdom.
-Wisdom 7:15-30

I suppose that the Wisdom I received this morning is that when it all seems like too much, stop trying to do it all by yourself. I will rely upon Wisdom (a woman you will note from the text) and leave my cares in God's capable hands. I am sure She can handle them much better than I can.

Maybe what I need right now is a nice cup of tea.

Pax

Funerals aren't all bad

God was so present on Tuesday at my Aunt's funeral it made us all joyful.


The first incidence was when I opened my Daily Office for that day and the first reading for the Office of Readings was

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God,

and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;

and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.

But they are in peace.

For if before men, indeed, they be punished,

yet is their hope full of immortality;
Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,

because God tried them and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,

and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.

In the time of their visitation they shall shine,

and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,

and the LORD shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,

and the faithful shall abide with him in love:

Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,

and his care is with the elect.

Wisdom 3:1-9

Then it turned out that this was also one of the readings that they had chosen for Aunt Mary's mass. It was so affirming especially because my closest cousin left the church nearly 20 years ago and has been a Baptist lo these many years. She just recently picked up a Catholic Women's Devotional Bible and has been using it for her morning scripture study and has been GREATLY moved by the affirmation and help she has found in its pages. For us to discover together that the Church in her infinite wisdom had chosen that specific reading for the exact day of her mom's funeral was such an eye opening God-incidence for her.

The Cantor for the Mass sang Panis Angelicus in English. This is possibly one of my favorite hymns but I had never actually heard the English lyrics before and was amazed at how beautiful they are. (Score one big one for the vernacular)

It rained pretty much the entire day, (Aunt Mary always said "It's good for the ducks" on rainy days) but just as the service at the graveside was ending and we were walking back to the cars a ray of sunshine broke through the clouds.

I was able to give some good counsel to my cousins who are dealing also with their father's increased dementia and have placed him in a nursing home. He didn't even make it to the funeral because he is so far gone. I kept reassuring them that they should not tell him that Mary is dead. For him she can always remain alive. When he asks when he will see her they can say, "She had to go to the Dr. today but she will come tomorrow." She will always be on her way to see him, with his memory loss that will be enough to reassure him.

I spent a lot of time getting acquainted or reacquainted with my cousins and their husbands, wives and children. One of the kids, a very astute 14 year old boy said "I hate that the only time I get to see all of my cousins is at funerals." A greater truth could not be spoken about families.

My sister and brother and I all came away feeling very blessed that we have such a great extended family and we need to keep in touch with everyone.

I got home to my family about 8:30 and my kids were actually happy to see me.

Will wonders never cease.

Thanks to everyone who sent prayers and condolences.

Pax

Close Moments in Cars?

It's a Cursillo thing . . . reminding one's-self to be aware of those times in the day when God is very close, so close that one recognizes that the intervention is happening right when it happens. At least I never used to think about them or be as aware of them before I went on Cursillo, but since then I am always aware of those "close moments" in my days.

Lately most of my very "close moments" have been connected with driving, or being in my car. None quite as big as this one, (thank God) but they have all been moments when I have realized that God is with me. I will list just a few to show you what I mean.

The place where the angelbaby and older sis have fencing is on a horrendously busy street and getting out of the parking lot is difficult at the best of times. Each time I leave the parking lot I am sure it is going to take me forever to get space enough in traffic to pull out, but each time I am blessed with a very large space in which to pull out. For this I am immediately thankful.

I have a very old Handspring Visor Palm OS (grey-scale)PDA that mrangelmeg got me about a year after I started working. I used it for everything back then, calendar, address book,prayerbook, brain, you name it. In fact, when I first started gradual school I even added a portable keyboard and typed my class notes into it and had a bible translation loaded onto it. Lately though I have only been using it as an e-reader with the addition of Plucker software. After the last weekend of Medieval Philosophy class it went missing and I thought I had left it at Gradual School because it wasn't in my suitcase or my book bag or my music bag. When the maintenance department at my Gradual School didn't find it I had pretty much decided that it was a write-off since I only use it as an e-reader and to buy a replacement just to do that would be way too expensive. Then just the other day the angelbaby and I were driving somewhere in the car and she was rummaging around in the junk bin in the front seat to see if she could find any candy and what should she find but my Visor!!!!! I have no clue at all how it got there. What a close moment, because I have loaded a lot of philosophy resources on it that are very handy to carry around for when I have a free moment to read (I am actually trying to understand this stuff).

The price of gas is so volatile around here that I hate to put gas in my car for fear that when I do the price will go up that afternoon. The price has gone up about thirty cents since the 4th of July. I was putting off getting gas hoping the price would go down a bit because it had actually gone over 3.00 a gallon on Friday. Yesterday I was doing laundry and watching videos all afternoon. I had to run to Walmart though in the evening and when I actually finally did get out to run my errands the price had gone down to 2.99 (mrangelmeg paid 3.01 earlier in the day). I call that a close moment. Even those few pennies saved will help.

I realize to a skeptic these will all seem like random moments of chance, or good fortune. To me though, especially since I have a very long history of having had to grow comfortable driving (I didn't drive much of anywhere until I was 31, and even then I used to get horribly ill every time I had to get behind the wheel of a car). I have always trusted God to be with me. Noticing God in these small moments of my everyday drivng experiecne are all a part of "finding God in all things.

God is good, all the time.

Pax

Some Sense of Humor: Personally I Don't Find it All That Funny

But God is up there in heaven laughing away.

So I made this agreement with His Almightyness that when I am at Gradual School I will go to morning prayer with the monks on Saturday mornings if He wakes me up at 5:30 in the morning. I don't set the alarm for that, in my humble estimation quite unholy hour, and if I don't wake up, no harm no foul, but if I do wake up I have to go to prayer with the monks.

I would say that in the four-plus years that I have been here I have missed morning prayer maybe three times. He is a pretty good alarm clock when He wants to get His way.

Well I am at Gradual School this weekend, but I drove down on Saturday morning instead of Friday night because mrangelmeg and I are taking a ballroom dancing class on Friday evenings. I wasn't even here for morning prayer, so I figured all bets were off for this weekend, but His Almightyness had other plans.

This morning, Sunday morning, I was brought to complete and utter awakeness (is that really a word?) at exactly 5:30. It was so light outside that I got scared and thought I had messed up the time on the clock when I set the alarm to go off at ten till seven, so I jumped out of bed to check the time on my cell-phone (I live in a different time zone than they are down here so I get messed up easily).

Nope, it was 5:30. With a sigh of relief I got back in bed, and was attempting to go back to sleep when I began this inner dialogue with His Almightyness:

Himself: Hey this is my time

me: Uhm no prayer this morning, it's Sunday

Himself: Do you really need the monks to pray? You can Find Me in All Things like a good student of Ignatius. Get up and come out for a walk.

me: you have to be kidding me.

Himself: Do I sound like I'm kidding, If you think you are going back to sleep, think again.


I went for a nice walk around the Abbey grounds for about a half hour.

Who says the spiteful Old Testament God no longer exists?

Pax

Hapenstance, Good/Bad Fortune or the Touch of God?

How do you know when your life is actually touched by God or you are just having a run of really good luck?

We had this discussion in the middle of Ancient Philosophy Class last weekend. My professor began by saying that he had personally never experienced what he could call a miracle, meaning an occurrence that had no earthy explanation and therefore must be attributed to the intervention of God or angels or some other "higher power".

He then said that he wasn't looking down on those who felt that they attributed every ounce of good fortune that came their way as God's intervention in their lives. But, he went on to posit, if they attributed the good fortune to God, then didn't they have to also ascribe the bad fortune to God as well? If these people only felt that God intervened only to give them good outcome, what was that saying about God and how God moved in their lives.

I am of a mind, (because of the Jesuit influence I suppose) that God is in all moments -- good, bad and indifferent -- in my life. My task is to discern what God is trying to teach me in those moments because I am aware of the movement. I am supposed to be aware of the movement in all things, and I am striving to that goal but I am far from that as yet. I do know that when my day doesn't quite go as I had planned I try to take stock as quickly as possible and see if I can discern what I am supposed to be learning in the moment and repair whatever damage there is.

I am also grateful for the good and the bad both because they are all moments of growth. Don't get me wrong, I am not yet so evolved that I can praise God for the bad fortune that I am living through, but I can, in hindsight, when I can clearly see what I was learning in the bad times be grateful that I did learn.

I can also be grateful that I was not left alone in the spiritual sense because I am never alone when I am aware that God is in all thing.

I also experience God in the sense of my Christian community because they share those times with me, both good and bad. When I am rejoicing they rejoice with me, when I am in pain or suffering they are there to grant aide in physical and spiritual ways.

I suppose my professor wouldn't see the movement of my Christian community as an action of God per se, but in my eyes, what else could it be? I think the Jesuit training has really opened me up to a deeper understanding of how God acts and moves.

What do you think? How do you experience God in your life? Would you like to move from a God who is far away and indifferent to a God who is in all things? I can help you find your way.

Pax

Takin' It To the Cross

Each year we have the blessing of the Triduum; three holy days that lead to our resurrection in Christ. We have the opportunity to leave everything we dislike about ourselves, all of our faults and failings at the foot of the cross so that Christ will take them upon Himself and die with them thus removing them forever from us. Then when Christ rises again on Easter a new creation we too can be a new creation, having left all of our faults with Christ on the Cross.

This type of living takes a great deal of faith in the abundant grace of a loving God who can make all things new, even sinful selfish things like us.

Are you willing to live in that promise and offer up all the crud and sludge of your life so that you can be created anew. This Holy Thursday when you see the reenactment of the washing of the feet, remember that Christ humbled himself to prepare the way for us. This Good Friday when you move forward to kiss the feet of the cross, in that moment leave all the refuse of your life there in that kiss. Offer all of the things you wish Christ to remove from your life as you reverence the Love that died for you.

And then on Easter morning we can all be new creations.

With God all things are possible.

Pax

Wish I had Taken a Picture

So the family went to a neighboring town in our Deanery for the reconciliation service at the parish there because neither mrangelmeg or I were available when we had our parish penance service.

I always wonder if my kids take the whole thing seriously or just "go through the motions" twice a year because I make them.

Well, tonight after our son who is 22 came out of his private confession he met our angelbaby who is 10 and they hugged each other and were talking quietly and smiling at each other. When I came up to them I could hear what they were saying and they were actually talking about how nice it is to be free from sin, and discussing how long they thought this state of grace might last.

Wow, do you suppose I actually raised them right?

Will wonders never cease?

Praise God!

Pax

Update on Yesterday

Blessedly, they came and got my car, took it to the shop and when they got it off the wrecker they tried to start it and it wouldn't start. They were about to shove it into a work bay when one of the mechanics got in and turned the key just to see what would happen and it started just fine. Every time after that it started just fine. Thankfully the shop where I took it was run by an honest Christian man who didn't try to sell me something I didn't need. He told me that not having any diagnosable problem, there was nothing he could do for me. So I went and got it and drove it home without a problem. He checked the battery and everything he could, but since the starter worked fine every time they tried it, except that first time, he didn't feel that he could honestly sell me a starter. I was only charged for towing and a diagnostic fee that was less than a half hour of labor cost, so I think that was very fair of him, and he promised that if I had any trouble while I was still in town he would bring it back for free (not charge another towing fee).

I have driven it today and no more problem. I really think it was a blessing that I was around to observe the changes my mom is going through. She really needs changes in her meds and my sisters need more help with respite care which we are getting them through Area 7 Agency on Aging. Perhaps the wandering at night can be controlled by my one sister staying up later a night and then napping when the aide is there in the afternoon.

Like I said before it is such a dance, you get used to one set of symptoms and the rhythm and tempo changes.

Pax

Everything Happens for a Reason . . .

even cars breaking down.

Today my car broke down and I am stranded at my mom's house. I had intended to leave here by noon and be on my merry way back home. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical failure that I first thought was a dead battery because this is the first time my car hasn't been in a garage at night, but is something more serious because a jump didn't help and the electrical stuff came right back I had to have my car towed to a shop.

So, now I am here at mom's and am observing what my sisters have to deal with when they take care of my mom. Last night was a bad night. Mom didn't settle down until after one in the morning. I think she finally got to sleep at 3. I stayed awake so that if she came back down stairs someone would be awake. My sisters do this every night! She seems pretty awake having only had a few hours sleep, I am exhausted.

Her medication is supposed to keep her calm and not agitated, but she has gotten angry three or four times today over things that don't really matter. My sisters have handled it really well, but to have to take this kind of abuse every day would be extremely hard to bear I think.

Mom needs to have her meds changed for sure. Alzheimer's is such a dance, one set of meds will work for a while, and then suddenly it will just stop working. At least now we know. If my sisters are going to be able to take care of her and take care of themselves, we need to get this straightened out very quickly.

Good can be so good. If my car hadn't broken down I wouldn't have seen how really bad this was getting with my own eyes. I only hope this lesson doesn't cost me too much in car repairs.

Pax

All Creatures Great and Small

One of the best things about living out here in the 4.5 acre woods is that on occasion we are visited by a sight like the one I got this morning. I woke up at about 6 a.m. and went out to the kitchen for a glass of water. Just outside the back of the house, as peaceful as could be was a young buck, much like the one in this picture. He was wide awake and just peacefully sitting there.

I tried to take a picture of him with my digital camera, but even on the night settings I couldn't get an image through the glass of the back door. I was afraid that if I tried to open the door I would spook him away.

We have seen as many as three deer at one time in the yard which can be both really cool and a bit frightening when you drive onto the driveway late at night and they run in front of the car. We are very careful of them. Many a deer has been hit on the highway near our house. In fact we noticed a dead deer in the field next door just yesterday. I sure hope it wasn't a companion of the one from the yard this morning.

I think deer are such beautiful animals, and I don't mind at all sharing my yard with the occasional one. Though we do have a suspicion that they feast on the goldfish in the pond on occasion. I don't think mrangelmeg envisioned his pond as a feeding station for wild deer.

Who would have thought that a city girl like me would learn to love the country enough to appreciate the occasional deer in her yard? Certainly not me.

God is good, all the time.

Pax