Walking by Faith OR My Steps are So Carefully Ordered

My prayer life has been changing radically in the last few months. At almost an exponential rate I have been catapulted into a very different experience of prayer and I feel so off balance at times because I am not sure where it fits into my devotional life.



Should I abandon all the old forms of prayer and simply use this new deeper form of prayer always? Should I trust that this prayer is actually from God and not just assume that I am decieving myself because this prayer takes almost no effort on my part? How do I gain the most fruit from this new type of prayer? . . . These are the questions that swim around in my rational mind almost every day now that I am living in this new reality of prayer.



So then, God sent me a day like yesterday.



I was rushing to get to my internship in Indianapolis, and was going to be getting there without a moment to spare, but there was an overturned semi in the median of the highway, so trafic was at a standstill at one point and I was stopped. The consequence was I arrived five minutes late and class had already begun.



The session was on the Art of Holy Listening, and Sr. Wanda was leading the opening prayer when I walked in. I assumed that she was leading a guided meditation from her tone and the words she was using, so I hurried to my seat and tried to engage as quickly as possible in the prayer. My mind was still racing, and I was wondering if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing when I got a clear message from God that I didn't need to "do" anything I just needed to "be". After that I became very calm and let out a breath and totally relaxed into a very peaceful space. At that moment Sr. Wanda played a song which was a reflection on the verse from the bible that says "Be still and know that I am God" !



After the song, Sr Wanda asked us all to write in our journals a phrase or sentance that captured how we felt about our prayer experience. Without thinking at all I wrote "human beings, not human doings" . Then class began.



At the end of class, (a very full class on the art of listening well) we were given a chance to use the tools we had just learned in a spiritual direction setting. We broke into groups of three, and did an exercise where one of us was the director, one the directee and one was a compassionate observer. (every five minutes we switched roles till everyone had had a chance to be each). When it was my turn to be the directee I talked about my experience at prayer that morning, and how that type of wordless prayer is so much more effective for me than any rote prayers that I say and how in my prayer life I am finding that using time for this type of "being with God is usurping all of my prayer time. I was wondering (to the director) if I needed to balance the two? In five minutes we didn't nearly have time to work it out, but I said that I would probably take that question to my Spiritual Director when I saw him in October since it had been on my heart for so long.



Later that day I had picked up a book to do some casual reading because I was staying over in Indianapolis with mrangelmeg who is there for a class and he wasn't going to get out of his class for a few hours after my class was over. When I was packing for the trip I had tossed in a book that I had purchased a few weeks back that was written by one of my favorite authors. I bought it without really looking at what it was about, knowing that whatever it was I would like it because I have enjoyed all of his other books.

I took the book out of my bag to kill some time while I was waiting for mrangelmeg's class to get over and what should it be about do you suppose? What to do when one"s prayer life begins to go beyond the early stages and into a deeper more intimate form of prayer. It is called When the Well Runs Dry by Thomas Green SJ. Coincidence? I should think not!!!

So, I spent the next hour (and later that night. and some more this morning while mrangelmeg was sleeping in) reading about exactly where I am in my prayer life and being affirmed by one of my favorite Jesuit authors that I am not alone, and that he will be my guide as I begin to navigate this new country and make it my own. So far, I have read nearly 100 pages of this book, it is so compelling to me probably because I am reading it right when I need to be reading it, not a moment too soon.

How amazing that just when I need it I happen to purchase this book not because of the content but because of the author, and just when I am at a crisis point in this new land of prayer of all the books in my pile of bookss I want to read some day I happen to throw that particular one into my bag to take along for my overnight stay after this particular class when I have a deeply moving prayer experience and it wells up in me many questions about this place I am entering in my prayer life and what I should or shouldn't be doing here.

It just goes to show how carefully God orders my steps.

God is good, all the time.

Pax

No Power Monday

Ike blew through our town yesterday bringing winds in excess of 60 miles per hour and wreaking havoc on the trees and power lines. There were power outages everywhere. The paper said that 30,000 people were without power for at least part of the day Sunday.

We have been without power since 5:00 p.m. with no restoration in sight, and according to the news in the morning paper it may take days for them to restore power to our rural cooperative area. Days without power. I am just repeating that so that it will sink in. Mrangelmeg was lucky, he went into work yesterday afternoon and he is at work today and will be staying late tonight where he has light and access to the Internet.

I on the other hand had to take my computer to a coffee shop just to access the Internet, check email and complete my paper which is due tomorrow. I did most of the work on it by candle light using my laptop battery power last night until the battery ran out. I just have a few clean up tasks to do before it is done and ready to print.

Then I have to go back to my powerless house and assess the situation. I am praying that it doesn't take DAYS, but if it does I need to figure out how to feed the kids and how to keep them clean without hot water.

I am seriously going to call our insurance agent to find out if we are covered for interim housing in a situation like this. Not to mention the loss of everything in our fridge/freezer if it takes days to restore power.

Oh well, I'm going to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and copy my paper to my flash drive so that I can have it printed at Office Max so I can turn it in tomorrow, just in case.

UPDATE: As of 1:00 this afternoon we have power. A quick check of the freezers shows that while the kitchen freezer is a total loss, the big one in the garage did a great job of keeping everything frozen and we didn't lose a thing. I guess we will be having whatever I can salvage from the Kitchen freezer for dinner tonight, anyone for potluck soup?


Pax

Saying Goodbye

Mrangelmeg has to leave today to go back to his TDY. It is almost fitting that it is a rainy day, except that he has to drive through a storm for the first part of his trip south. We had a really nice week having him home, and he got to do some things around here that really needed to get done (like getting the license plates for the cars which expire tomorrow) and doing a bit of yard work thanks to some nice weather.

Everyone was happy to see him at Church. We even got to be the gift bearers for Easter Mass which was really nice.

But now he goes back to his work and we go back to getting along without him for a while longer. If everything goes as planned he should be back for a month at the end of April and then if things work out the way we hope the angelbaby and I will be able to join him for the next long trip because she will be out of school for the summer.

I am just walking in faith and keeping it all together. Things will work out the way they are supposed to despite our plans. Hopefully I will be able to get better sleep this time around while he is gone. I am going to try a few new tactics to get better result than I did the last time. We shall see.

Pax

Tony Tony Wher've You Been?

So our daughter lost her wallet while she was on a mission trip with her high school at the end of May and we prayed to St. Anthony that it would turn up while they were cleaning up the van that the school drove, or that somehow it would turn up in someones luggage or something, but time passed and no one mentioned it, so we had begun the process of replacing all of her missing identification and other stuff (like library cards and YMCA membership cards). I was trying to not get upset that along with the wallet she had lost nearly 80 dollars in cash, because it was only cash.

I had asked the teacher that took her on the trip to take one last desperate look in the tent that she and the two girls had slept in hoping that it might have been rolled up with my daughter's wallet in the corner and stowed away. At the time she said that the tent had been stowed away with her parents and they had gone on a two week side trip to visit relatives and she promised to check just as soon as they got back. When I never heard from her we began the tedious process of replacing her missing identification.

Today, lo and behold, we got a call from her teacher who had gone on a camping trip with her husband and found my daughter's wallet right where I told her it would be, in the corner of the tent!

Thank you St. Anthony for coming through at such a late hour. And praise God that we had only gotten to a few replacements in the long line of identification items to be replaced (and we had been putting off the more costly ones at that ).

So, I guess all is well that ends well, but I am just wondering if the teacher had just taken the time to look in the tent a month ago this whole mess could have been avoided.

Now, since Tony is back on the job, I am still trying to find my lost keyring, if you don't mind.

Pax

Everything Happens for a Reason . . .

even cars breaking down.

Today my car broke down and I am stranded at my mom's house. I had intended to leave here by noon and be on my merry way back home. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical failure that I first thought was a dead battery because this is the first time my car hasn't been in a garage at night, but is something more serious because a jump didn't help and the electrical stuff came right back I had to have my car towed to a shop.

So, now I am here at mom's and am observing what my sisters have to deal with when they take care of my mom. Last night was a bad night. Mom didn't settle down until after one in the morning. I think she finally got to sleep at 3. I stayed awake so that if she came back down stairs someone would be awake. My sisters do this every night! She seems pretty awake having only had a few hours sleep, I am exhausted.

Her medication is supposed to keep her calm and not agitated, but she has gotten angry three or four times today over things that don't really matter. My sisters have handled it really well, but to have to take this kind of abuse every day would be extremely hard to bear I think.

Mom needs to have her meds changed for sure. Alzheimer's is such a dance, one set of meds will work for a while, and then suddenly it will just stop working. At least now we know. If my sisters are going to be able to take care of her and take care of themselves, we need to get this straightened out very quickly.

Good can be so good. If my car hadn't broken down I wouldn't have seen how really bad this was getting with my own eyes. I only hope this lesson doesn't cost me too much in car repairs.

Pax

I Found It!

Praise God, I found a car I actually a) like and b) can afford. It is a one owner Ford Taurus Wagon that is low mileage and looks great for being 9 years old.

Now if I can just go pick it up tomorrow without massive amounts of buyers remorse setting in. I think that the only thing worse than having to purchase a car is having to purchase a dress for a wedding and I am speaking of not the bride's dress, just a dress to wear to a formal wedding that I think looks good on me.

I know this is the car I want, it feels like the right decision. I am so glad I don't have to look anymore.

Pax