I have been waiting, rather impatiently all week for my grades on my paper in my New Testament class. I have been a bit obsessive thinking about all the reasons why my grades could have been bad on them: I didn't cite my sources correctly, I didn't really do the paper the way the professor asked us to do it, he just didn't like the topic I chose, I just don't know enough.
I have learned so much in this class that in the end it really shouldn't matter at all what my grade was, because I achieved what I set out to do, which was to learn as much as I could about the new testament writings of the Johanine and Pauline Corpus. So why then am I sitting here obsessing like a little kid about whether or not I will keep my straight A average? Why is it so important to me that I continue to get A's? Who am I comparing myself against?
I do know why I have perfectionist tendencies. It goes back to when my father got sick and died, and my mom had to raise such a big family all by herself. I felt like the best way for me to help her was for me to be perfect so she wouldn't have to worry about me. But mom doesn't have to worry about me anymore. I am the one paying for my education, and I will continue to pay for my classes whether I get A's or B's.
I will graduate with a Masters Degree whether I get A's or B's, and in fact the Administration keeps reminding us that no one graduates Suma Cum Laude, so there isn't some race to be the person with the best grades in the program.
So rationally, I know that grades don't really matter. But I am still sitting here obsessing over whether my percentage is good enough to be a A- or a B+. Is that obsessive, or depressing, or just stupid.
In the face of eternity, after all, does it really matter? Maybe I should just go eat some chocolate and call it a day. Yeah that's the ticket.