Monday, October 22, 2007

40 Reasons to Have Children

So there is a meme going around the Catholic Internet and all these wonderful moms are waxing nostalgic and getting all spiritual about why they went and had kids. I thought this was just the kind of meme that I needed to let off steam and prepare me to complete my philosophy essay for my gradual school final.

So, in a nutshell this is (as best I can remember, it has been nearly 24 years since we started cookin' the first little varmint) why mrangelmeg and I had kids.

Nota: This is post should be taken tongue in cheek. It in no way is the only reason that himself and I decided to have children, I am sure that somewhere deep in our hearts way back 25 years ago we had much purer motives, but we were much younger then.

1. tax deductions, we get one for each kid we have (cha-ching)

2. swollen legs, hemorrhoids, a weak bladder and stretch marks are all the rage as signs of beauty or haven't you heard?

3. crawling babies clean the floor much more efficiently than those silly roomba vacuums (and we didn't have to pay shipping)

4. I don't have a lick of decorating sense, so I keep having kids and say I will decorate as soon as the kids move away (I am good well past 2025 woo hoo)

5. little kids are better than Comedy Central when it comes to making us laugh.

6. If we hadn't had kids I would have never seen a wet hamster.

7. kids are the best BS meter on the planet, they can spot a phony a mile away, especially when it is a parent so it keeps us really honest

8. I love to read, although if I had to choose I might not have chosen to read One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish for the three-thousand-four-hundred-ninety fifth-time last night, I suppose its a good thing no body's counting.

9. kids are one of the best reasons for having an after dinner drink (or two, or more)

10. since himself isn't very social the fact that we take up an entire pew in church suits him hust fine.

11. who needs vacations, when the kids want excitement we just have them switch bedrooms. Now that is as exciting as any amusement park you have to pay money to get into.

12. Kids little toys, especially Lego's make really good exercise equipment. If you accidentally step on one you hop around holding your foot for at least a half hour. That has to burn as many calories as those expensive machines they sell on television.

13. Who doesn't love kids food (probably the exact same thing every lunch for three weeks in a row even) I ask you?

14. Naps.

15. They keep your Math and English and Social Studies and Science skills sharp while you are helping them with their homework.

16. You are completely justified in buying sugar sweetened cereal (the kind with the prize inside) because your kids eat it -- yeah right!

17. You are completely justified in going to the animated movie that all the kids are going to, because you have to take your kids.

18. Have you seen all the cool toys they make now? (I suppose that is a dad's reason.)

19. live in excuse to go out for ice cream?

20. I'm playing with the kids is the greatest excuse for not doing whatever it is you are supposed to be doing.

21. Who doesn't want to spend an entire weekend at the baseball (basketball/soccer/volleyball/football) field, those concession stand nachos are just yummy.

23. My lifelong ambition was to be the ten year president of the elementary school PTO, really it was.

24. Surviving another year of the first grade Christmas Pageant makes you realize that sanity is relative, and probably fleeting.

26. liberals with no kids reduce, reuse, and recycle to be trendy. People with kids are trendy out of necessity cool.

28. If you can put together a tricycle at 3 o'clock in the morning after having had dinner with the in-laws and taken two cranky children to midnight mass without going insane you can conquer the world.

29. Getting fifteen minutes to yourself, even if it means having to lock the bathroom door and stuff toilet paper in your ears and hum as loud as you can, is worth it when you see how happy their little faces are when you finally come out.

30. eventually they actually get old enough to help you do housework.

31. they even get old enough to help mow the lawn, although you have to be sure to cut the blocks big enough so that their little feet reach the pedals on the rider.

32. who needs disposable income, we'd only get into trouble if we had money to waste on things. kids take care of all that extra income really efficiently.

33. Little girls grow up and legitimize my devoted husbands growing collection of firearms (to show to potential dates).

34. Eventually they get old enough to get their drivers license and you can make them take their brothers and sisters places in order to get the use of the car. Now that is a great reason.

35. Trick or Treat candy taxes. (don't tell me you don't take them up in your house, and if you don't you are welcome to the suggestion)

36. So that we could populate the world with children who would grow up loving Monty Python and Mel Brooks Movies, duh.

37. Because the bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply and it sounded a lot more fun than just adding.

38. Because who needs to sleep through the night anyway? When they are little they can't sleep and when they get old enough to go on dates you can't sleep.

39. Because retiring young is for wimps.

40. Because we know what it takes to make them and we enjoy the process thoroughly.

Now back to my essays.


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