Monday, May 02, 2005

Discernment of Spirits

A little over a year ago a woman's group formed at the church where I work. In all of that time they have only once invited me to speak on any topic, and in that case it was an emergency when the intended speaker was late getting back from a business trip and they needed someone to fill in at the 11th hour. It has really been bothering me that they haven't asked me to prepare a talk and speak on any topic. They have even invited men to speak, but not me.

I have prayed about this, and discussed it with friends, and with some women involved in the group and each time I get a plausible answer for why they haven't asked me to speak. It still hurts that they have never asked me.

Tonight I was asked to speak at their July meeting. The topic "A Father's Heart” was one on which I have no opinion or thought really, and the meeting is just a few days after I return from my vacation. I told them that I would have to think about it.

My inclination is that I should say no. The woman who asked said that they were going to ask the new Priest to speak at the same meeting, so I am not sure why they need me to speak as well. I don't want to feel as though I should be preparing a talk while I am on vacation. Also I already have a guest speaker coming in earlier that same week to give a lecture on Women in the early Church. My post vacation energy will need to be focused on that presentation.

I really don’t feel called to speak on that particular topic, which is true. To be completely honest I feel as though they are throwing me a bone. I don't think a lot of thought went into what topic they offered to me. There certainly didn't well up in me some great need to speak on that particular topic. I am sure that given enough time I might have been able to come up with something spiritual to say, but I don't think that is a valid reason to speak on any topic.

So, I think I am going to say no. Isn't it funny? I was complaining that they never ask, and then when they do I feel called to turn them down. My friend Jean is always telling me that at times like this I need to try to figure out what God is trying to teach me in all of this. What is God trying to teach me? Humility, grace, patience, knowing that when the time is right, when it is truly Kairos time, I will know it because the topic will be one I care about and one that will make my heart leap out of my chest. I will be overjoyed to speak on the subject. In God's time all things will be right.



Suzanne said...

I don't know about you, however, it is more precisely when I do not particularly "want" to do something that I am "asked" to do something and it ends up the rewards are even greater than I thought they'd be. Case in point:
I'll be writing about this on my blog today for what it is worth to read. Have a blessed day! Suz

Heather said...

Sometimes it is those things that we think don't speak to us that speak to us the most. I will say a prayer for you to help you discern if this is something you should do.