Monday, March 07, 2005

A Very Arid Lent

This lent has been very arid: no consolation, no desolation, just, well, nothing. I go along doing my devotions and keeping lent in my own way, and I haven't gotten that great insight that I ususally get.

One thing about this lent keep me praying is that it wasn’t too long ago that my big insight came in adoration after Holy Thursday Mass. I was sitting there in the chapel, just me and Jesus in his earthly substance, and it hit me that when the temple veil was torn into, it wasn't that light got into the Holy of Holies, it was that there was nothing separating us from God now. It sounds a little stiff when I write it, but at the time it was a quantum leap of faith for me that I could be so intimate with God that nothing separated us.

No big insights so far this lent. No wracking sobs at each Mass. No feeling of peace and contentment at praying the psalms. No daily insights gained from the books of devotions I have chosen.

But also, no feeling that I am totally unworthy and unlovable.

My Spiritual Director reminded me that the Holy Spirit led Jesus out into the desert. The Holy Spirit has led me here. Nothing is familiar; nothing gives me peace, yet somehow I know that my being faithful is the compas point that will lead me to wherever God wants me to be.

So, I continue. In my arid lent, not begin desolate, but not being consoled either. Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me. It isn't about extremes or even feelings, it is just about being.

"Be still and know. . ."


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