Tuesday, November 17, 2009

untangling the knot

God isn't speaking to me in words.
I may have told you this before.
When I pray I either get great gaping silence:

or I get images. The problem with the images is that I don't know what they mean. It is like picking up a knitting project only to find that my yarn is all tangled into a huge mess. Where do you start when what you find is this?I know that I am not sure where to begin. I just drop the work in frustration and move on to something else.

I should, I suppose be happy that I am aware that God is close to me. There are those who are in the dark night of the soul who don't have that awareness.

Where I used to feel that I could float forever on the warmth of the ocean of mercy that is my Loving God. Now I feel as though I am being pulled under, and I am struggling, gasping for breath as I submerge, struggling against whatever change is coming. Then today it occurred to me that I should just cooperate.

One of my friends said something though that really gave me pause. I am struggling because I am still trying to do this, whatever it is that is happening, whatever is causing such chaos inside of me. Perhaps my response should be that I should stop doing, and let God take over completely. Maybe that is why it is such a struggle; because I am "trying to help."

If I surrender completely to the change and get out of God's way maybe the change can happen more easily and there won't be as much struggle. Maybe the knot will unravel itself if I just leave it alone instead of trying so hard to untangle the ends.

Something to think about . . . in the silence.


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