why is it that prayer never seems to be enough?
I am sitting here just having heard some very devastating news about one of my dear friends; someone as close to me as one of my brothers, who is clinging to life and may not last the night. I was told that no action is expected of me at this point, I needn't rush to his bedside in another state because he is surrounded by family. Someone else is taking the responsibility of calling our little circle of friends, so I have no one to call.
I have nothing for my hands and mind to do that will help my friend in his time of great need. I know that he is not fearing this last journey but I regret that I didn't find the time to see him one last time before the end. We were supposed to all get together next weekend for our semi-annual weekend gathering.
So, I am sitting here, with nothing to do but pray, which in truth is so much that I can do for my friend, but somehow in the darkness of this night it seems like my words are so small.
God, be with my dear friend tonight as he comes to you. Help him to let go of this mortal world and enter into his final rest. Be with his family as they deal with his loss and absence in their lives.
Amen
Pax
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Monday, January 04, 2010
150 Days with the Psalms
Today's Psalm: 134
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
You Can't Avoid the Dark Night By Redefinition
I went to see my Spiritual Director today. He had some cold hard truths to tell me about where I am in my current spiritual path.
For a while now I have been struggling with a new and for lack of a better term mystifying (interesting coming from someone who has such a fascination with mystics) prayer life. Me, the person who loves words, has been unable to pray with words or receive answer to prayer in words. What I do get when I pray is either great silence, or images. Neither causes me great distress, but neither gives me comfort, because I have no idea what to do with these images.
I am what you might call an idea person. Give me a topic and a sufficient amount of time and I can come up or brainstorm an entire notebook of ideas about that topic, so when I first started getting images in prayer I would immediately go into brainstorm mode and come up with 99 interpretations for what the image might mean. With no one to guide my mind's wandering or to help me sift through the processing (or so I thought) I was left confused most of the time until after the fact when suddenly I could see in hindsight how the image fit into what was going on in my life.
I could feel myself slipping into a lost state, and knew that God was trying to stretch me by this new form of communication in prayer, but somehow I was the one who wasn't getting the message; I was the imperfect receptacle. I kept thinking to myself, If I know that God wants to stretch me, and I know that it has something to do with the images, can I avoid the pain and loneliness of the Dark Night?
It was at this point that my wise Spiritual Director stopped me. "Don't you see," he said to me "that you are already in the dark night, just because you understand what it looks like and want to call it something else doesn't change the fact that your prayer is no longer consoling and life giving, but confused and causing you great pain."
That stopped me short. Here was that amazing mirror that good Spiritual Directors use. He held it up in front of me and helped me to see myself exactly as I am. No matter how rationally I think about where I have been, and where I need to go, there is no denying the pain and loneliness and confusion of where I am at this moment. No matter how many books I try to read on prayer or dreams or divine imagery I can't deny that where I am is in the Darkness.
What I do know is that what used to work for me doesn't any longer. What I need to do is learn to be comfortable where I am; with the images. If there is some meaning that is supposed to be attached to an image, it will come, if not, it isn't my job to try so hard to find it.
Teresa of Avila uses the imagery of prayer as water. You go to the well, and draw water from the well using a bucket. It is labor intensive, but it works. Eventually the well runs dry because God wants you to move to a different kind of prayer.
In the second form of prayer your fields are irrigated by a stream that runs near it, it is much easier to get the water this way, much less labor intensive.
God eventually sends rain onto the fields, and all you have to do for that kind of prayer is be present, and the water falls upon you, no movement on your part is necessary at all in this form of prayer.
And finally there is the water in the stream or ocean that surrounds you; this form of prayer doesn't just touch you, it engulfs you. You can fight against the water or you can rest in it, allowing your own buoyancy to keep you afloat and upright.
My Spiritual Director thinks there might be one more invitation. If God is the ocean. Then perhaps some of us are called to stop just floating, and to learn to totally let go, let God and be open to the total metamorphosis into an ocean dwelling creature who can be content to be totally submerged always and no longer need to breath air. Is that where I am in my prayer life, am I still fighting to breathe air and God is asking me to let go (die to self) and let God become even my breathing apparatus, so that I am totally engulfed in God alone? Am I being called to let my entire life "be prayer"?
This was what my Spiritual Director left me to ponder. This is my dark night, learning to totally die to self, learning how to breathe God alone, so that my life can be prayer. It is a staggeringly humbling thought.
Could it happen?
Pax
For a while now I have been struggling with a new and for lack of a better term mystifying (interesting coming from someone who has such a fascination with mystics) prayer life. Me, the person who loves words, has been unable to pray with words or receive answer to prayer in words. What I do get when I pray is either great silence, or images. Neither causes me great distress, but neither gives me comfort, because I have no idea what to do with these images.
I am what you might call an idea person. Give me a topic and a sufficient amount of time and I can come up or brainstorm an entire notebook of ideas about that topic, so when I first started getting images in prayer I would immediately go into brainstorm mode and come up with 99 interpretations for what the image might mean. With no one to guide my mind's wandering or to help me sift through the processing (or so I thought) I was left confused most of the time until after the fact when suddenly I could see in hindsight how the image fit into what was going on in my life.
I could feel myself slipping into a lost state, and knew that God was trying to stretch me by this new form of communication in prayer, but somehow I was the one who wasn't getting the message; I was the imperfect receptacle. I kept thinking to myself, If I know that God wants to stretch me, and I know that it has something to do with the images, can I avoid the pain and loneliness of the Dark Night?
It was at this point that my wise Spiritual Director stopped me. "Don't you see," he said to me "that you are already in the dark night, just because you understand what it looks like and want to call it something else doesn't change the fact that your prayer is no longer consoling and life giving, but confused and causing you great pain."
That stopped me short. Here was that amazing mirror that good Spiritual Directors use. He held it up in front of me and helped me to see myself exactly as I am. No matter how rationally I think about where I have been, and where I need to go, there is no denying the pain and loneliness and confusion of where I am at this moment. No matter how many books I try to read on prayer or dreams or divine imagery I can't deny that where I am is in the Darkness.
What I do know is that what used to work for me doesn't any longer. What I need to do is learn to be comfortable where I am; with the images. If there is some meaning that is supposed to be attached to an image, it will come, if not, it isn't my job to try so hard to find it.
Teresa of Avila uses the imagery of prayer as water. You go to the well, and draw water from the well using a bucket. It is labor intensive, but it works. Eventually the well runs dry because God wants you to move to a different kind of prayer.
In the second form of prayer your fields are irrigated by a stream that runs near it, it is much easier to get the water this way, much less labor intensive.
God eventually sends rain onto the fields, and all you have to do for that kind of prayer is be present, and the water falls upon you, no movement on your part is necessary at all in this form of prayer.
And finally there is the water in the stream or ocean that surrounds you; this form of prayer doesn't just touch you, it engulfs you. You can fight against the water or you can rest in it, allowing your own buoyancy to keep you afloat and upright.
My Spiritual Director thinks there might be one more invitation. If God is the ocean. Then perhaps some of us are called to stop just floating, and to learn to totally let go, let God and be open to the total metamorphosis into an ocean dwelling creature who can be content to be totally submerged always and no longer need to breath air. Is that where I am in my prayer life, am I still fighting to breathe air and God is asking me to let go (die to self) and let God become even my breathing apparatus, so that I am totally engulfed in God alone? Am I being called to let my entire life "be prayer"?
This was what my Spiritual Director left me to ponder. This is my dark night, learning to totally die to self, learning how to breathe God alone, so that my life can be prayer. It is a staggeringly humbling thought.
Could it happen?
Pax
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
What a Wednesday
Yesterday I went to visit my mom in her nursing home because today is her 83rd birthday. She is in fine spirits for a woman who can no longer walk or talk or carry on conversations. She talks a lot more than she used to (probably because they have reduced her anti-anxiety meds to almost nothing) but still her words aren't very conversational.
The funniest thing that happened yesterday (rather sad but funny). The entire time I was there visiting a new resident across the hall was just sobbing uncontrollably about having to be in the nursing home . After about fifteen minutes mom actually said, "She really needs to shut up." It was the most purposeful thing mom had said in over two years.
With my mother-in-love in the hospital after her TIA over the weekend, and making sure she has what she needs from her house and taking care of the kids, my week has been packed. I want to apologize about not having a Mystic Monday post this week. I am sure that at least two of my loyal readers are sad at not getting to find out about some obscure mystic from the third century.
I do want to share something I have been reading with you, but I am not sure that this person would be considered a mystic although I find some of what I have read in this wonderful little book to be quite mystical in its simplicity. I happen to be reading Jean-Piere de Caussade S.J. Book (actually a Kitty Muggeridge translation ) called The Sacrament of the Present Moment)which was written in the 1700's .
This is the section that I read this week that has given me great hope:
May others , Lord, multiply their prayers and supplications. I ask but one thing. I offer up this prayer to you: "Grant me a pure heart!" O pure heart, how blessed you are! You find God in the strength of your own faith, see him in all things at all times in and around you. You are his subject and his instrument. He guides and brings you to your destination. Often you do not think; but he is thinking for you. Whatever happens to you is ordained by him. All he asks is your willingness . In your bewilderment you don't understand this longing in yourself, but he does. Ah, how simple you are!
This has been my way of praying for the last few years. I don't have to know or understand how or why things are happening in my life because I know that God has a plan and that plan is for good even if I can't see how that good will come about because of the pain and suffering that I might be going through at this moment. If I trust in God's mercy and love everything will work out the way God intends for it to so long as I move with God's will.
Thursday May 21st is mrangelmeg and my 26th wedding anniversary. We are going to try to go out to dinner in between work and kids and visiting mother-in-love at the hospital.
Oh and Friday the angelbaby turns 13 and is having some friends over for a sleepover. Won't that be fun? A basement full of teen-age girls after a week of less than stellar sleep. We must be crazy, but we had the sleepover planned before other things happened and mom should be more stable by then.
Pax
The funniest thing that happened yesterday (rather sad but funny). The entire time I was there visiting a new resident across the hall was just sobbing uncontrollably about having to be in the nursing home . After about fifteen minutes mom actually said, "She really needs to shut up." It was the most purposeful thing mom had said in over two years.
With my mother-in-love in the hospital after her TIA over the weekend, and making sure she has what she needs from her house and taking care of the kids, my week has been packed. I want to apologize about not having a Mystic Monday post this week. I am sure that at least two of my loyal readers are sad at not getting to find out about some obscure mystic from the third century.
I do want to share something I have been reading with you, but I am not sure that this person would be considered a mystic although I find some of what I have read in this wonderful little book to be quite mystical in its simplicity. I happen to be reading Jean-Piere de Caussade S.J. Book (actually a Kitty Muggeridge translation ) called The Sacrament of the Present Moment)which was written in the 1700's .
This is the section that I read this week that has given me great hope:
May others , Lord, multiply their prayers and supplications. I ask but one thing. I offer up this prayer to you: "Grant me a pure heart!" O pure heart, how blessed you are! You find God in the strength of your own faith, see him in all things at all times in and around you. You are his subject and his instrument. He guides and brings you to your destination. Often you do not think; but he is thinking for you. Whatever happens to you is ordained by him. All he asks is your willingness . In your bewilderment you don't understand this longing in yourself, but he does. Ah, how simple you are!
This has been my way of praying for the last few years. I don't have to know or understand how or why things are happening in my life because I know that God has a plan and that plan is for good even if I can't see how that good will come about because of the pain and suffering that I might be going through at this moment. If I trust in God's mercy and love everything will work out the way God intends for it to so long as I move with God's will.
Thursday May 21st is mrangelmeg and my 26th wedding anniversary. We are going to try to go out to dinner in between work and kids and visiting mother-in-love at the hospital.
Oh and Friday the angelbaby turns 13 and is having some friends over for a sleepover. Won't that be fun? A basement full of teen-age girls after a week of less than stellar sleep. We must be crazy, but we had the sleepover planned before other things happened and mom should be more stable by then.
Pax
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Do You Reckon?
"It is also necessary to pray as well so that there are holy spouses, capable of indicating to their children, above all by example, the horizons to which they should tend toward with their liberty."
The words of Pope Benedict XVI on praying for vocations. You can read the entire article here.
May those words flow from his mouth to the ears of my Archbishop, who tends to forget to pray for sacred marriages until couples have been married for 50 years. In my not so humble opinion, any and all prayers for vocations should begin with prayers for the vocation of sacred marriages, because without them, there will be no more generations to be called to the vocations of priesthood and religious life.
The words of Pope Benedict XVI on praying for vocations. You can read the entire article here.
May those words flow from his mouth to the ears of my Archbishop, who tends to forget to pray for sacred marriages until couples have been married for 50 years. In my not so humble opinion, any and all prayers for vocations should begin with prayers for the vocation of sacred marriages, because without them, there will be no more generations to be called to the vocations of priesthood and religious life.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Suport the Troops
Not that I haven't always been a strong advocate for suport of our military forces fighting overseas -- valiently giving time away from their families to keep us all safe from the threat of global terrorism -- but I am asking for special prayers for them now because my oldest brother Mike is leaving for duty in Iraq tomorrow.
He will be a communications officer, and hopefully will be in safe zones most of the time, but still please God keep him, and all our men and women safe.
Pax
He will be a communications officer, and hopefully will be in safe zones most of the time, but still please God keep him, and all our men and women safe.
Pax
Monday, December 08, 2008
Prayers Please
My Cousin Chuck says that my aunt Gina ( my mother's sister-in -law) is very weak but resting comfortably in a hospice at this hour. She has suffered from mini strokes of late and is probably going to die this week.
Please pray for comfort for her and her family as she prepares to join her husband in repose.
My uncle Chuck died a year ago in the late fall.
Update: My cousin Chuck called this evening, my aunt Gina passed away quite peacefully this evening with three of her six children at her bedside. Thanks for your prayers for her family.
Pax
Please pray for comfort for her and her family as she prepares to join her husband in repose.
My uncle Chuck died a year ago in the late fall.
Update: My cousin Chuck called this evening, my aunt Gina passed away quite peacefully this evening with three of her six children at her bedside. Thanks for your prayers for her family.
Pax
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The Sadness of the First Day
Today the angelbaby begins her first day of her last year in elementary school. She is both excited and sad. She doesn't get to have the teacher she wanted, and her best friend in the whole world (you know how those things are with twelve-year olds is in another class altogether. In fact, none of her friends are in her class, or so she said after we took a look at the class lists yesterday.
And to make things worse, there is the whole thing about not getting to have the teacher she really wanted. Who she got was a teacher that has been at the school, not one of the two new teachers they brought in to replace the two they transferred. She has somehow built up in her mind that she isn't going to like this teacher, and she doesn't even really know her.
So, on the way back from school yesterday I talked to her about expectations, and how our world usually lives up to what we expect of it. If we expect that we are going to have a great year; meet new friends, love our teacher, and in general enjoy school that usually happens. If we expect that we are going to hate school, hate our teacher and have no friends in class, that might happen too. I also taught her about what we can and cannot control and how to say The Serenity Prayer I wanted her to know that I wasn't about to go in and make them change her class just because she needed to be with her best friend. I think she needs to give this teacher a chance because I know this teacher, and I personally think this teacher might be a good fit.
This parenting stuff is never a picnic.
I will be praying a few of my own prayers today as I drop her off for her first day. How did my baby get to be in sixth grade? It seems like yesterday I was taking her to her first day of pre-school.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change . . .
Pax
And to make things worse, there is the whole thing about not getting to have the teacher she really wanted. Who she got was a teacher that has been at the school, not one of the two new teachers they brought in to replace the two they transferred. She has somehow built up in her mind that she isn't going to like this teacher, and she doesn't even really know her.
So, on the way back from school yesterday I talked to her about expectations, and how our world usually lives up to what we expect of it. If we expect that we are going to have a great year; meet new friends, love our teacher, and in general enjoy school that usually happens. If we expect that we are going to hate school, hate our teacher and have no friends in class, that might happen too. I also taught her about what we can and cannot control and how to say The Serenity Prayer I wanted her to know that I wasn't about to go in and make them change her class just because she needed to be with her best friend. I think she needs to give this teacher a chance because I know this teacher, and I personally think this teacher might be a good fit.
This parenting stuff is never a picnic.
I will be praying a few of my own prayers today as I drop her off for her first day. How did my baby get to be in sixth grade? It seems like yesterday I was taking her to her first day of pre-school.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change . . .
Pax
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Does a Racing Mind Count . . .
as aerobic exercise?
I was just wondering. I am so excited about my internship interview tomorrow that I can't get to sleep. If I have to stay up at least I should get some calorie burn for my troubles, don'tcha think?
I did tell you about my internship didn't I? No? How unusual.
I have been trying to discern what to do with my Masters Degree and so far the closest things that I feel to a "stirring of the Spirit" has come when I have thought and prayed about offering Spiritual Direction to college kids. So, to that end I searched the Internet for training programs in Spiritual Direction
I found a really great program at Boston College which would have been my first choice, it being a Jesuit Institution and all, but moving myself back into the realm of possibility, I realized that considering my state in life and my primary commitment to my husband and kids I needed to find an alternative a bit closer to home and more practical. So there happens to be a really well respected training program in Indianapolis at a (get this) Benedictine Abbey (why is God doing this to me, I ask you). So, before we left for Florida last spring I applied for one of the 25 slots for the cohort group that will begin this fall. I have the final part of the application process, the face-to-face interview with the Director of Spirituality tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.
I am really nervous. I know that by this point, the interview is probably a formality and after having read my personal spiritual autobiography, letters of recommendation from three people who know me (one being my personal spiritual director) and my goals and objectives for using the skills I will gain from this program they already have a pretty good idea of who I am. I could go in there tomorrow and really turn the Sr. off by coming off too arrogant, or too cocky, or too unsure.
I want to be honest about where I am right now in my spiritual walk and where I am going with my prayer life. I just wish I weren't so nervous. I don't think I was this nervous when I went for my Grad School interview.
Say a prayer for me. I have been praying to St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, two of my spiritual mentors, and resisting the urge to pray to St. Rita and St. Jude.
I know I will feel so much relief tomorrow afternoon on the drive home. Whatever Lord! That is my prayer. I know tomorrow will turn out the way God intends because I have left it in His capable hands. Now if I could just shut of my brain and get some sleep the drive tomorrow would be much nicer I am sure.
Pax
I was just wondering. I am so excited about my internship interview tomorrow that I can't get to sleep. If I have to stay up at least I should get some calorie burn for my troubles, don'tcha think?
I did tell you about my internship didn't I? No? How unusual.
I have been trying to discern what to do with my Masters Degree and so far the closest things that I feel to a "stirring of the Spirit" has come when I have thought and prayed about offering Spiritual Direction to college kids. So, to that end I searched the Internet for training programs in Spiritual Direction
I found a really great program at Boston College which would have been my first choice, it being a Jesuit Institution and all, but moving myself back into the realm of possibility, I realized that considering my state in life and my primary commitment to my husband and kids I needed to find an alternative a bit closer to home and more practical. So there happens to be a really well respected training program in Indianapolis at a (get this) Benedictine Abbey (why is God doing this to me, I ask you). So, before we left for Florida last spring I applied for one of the 25 slots for the cohort group that will begin this fall. I have the final part of the application process, the face-to-face interview with the Director of Spirituality tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.
I am really nervous. I know that by this point, the interview is probably a formality and after having read my personal spiritual autobiography, letters of recommendation from three people who know me (one being my personal spiritual director) and my goals and objectives for using the skills I will gain from this program they already have a pretty good idea of who I am. I could go in there tomorrow and really turn the Sr. off by coming off too arrogant, or too cocky, or too unsure.
I want to be honest about where I am right now in my spiritual walk and where I am going with my prayer life. I just wish I weren't so nervous. I don't think I was this nervous when I went for my Grad School interview.
Say a prayer for me. I have been praying to St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, two of my spiritual mentors, and resisting the urge to pray to St. Rita and St. Jude.
I know I will feel so much relief tomorrow afternoon on the drive home. Whatever Lord! That is my prayer. I know tomorrow will turn out the way God intends because I have left it in His capable hands. Now if I could just shut of my brain and get some sleep the drive tomorrow would be much nicer I am sure.
Pax
Saturday, July 26, 2008
August is Reparation Month
For this man's actions; a group of serious, very saddened Catholics have declared the entire month of August to be a month to do reparations for his act of desecration on the Blessed Sacrament.
His total disregard for our belief (not to mention the beliefs of his Catholic students) is so sad. The fact that he can only see his reality and has no concept that what he has done will cause great pain to anyone really bothers me. This man is molding the minds of the future generations of our leaders.
Well the damage has been done, and now we who love what he has desecrated can only band together and fast and pray in reparation for his actions. We will treat him as Christ would; with profound love. Who knows what great graces may come from our prayers? Why not join your prayers with ours.
Pax
His total disregard for our belief (not to mention the beliefs of his Catholic students) is so sad. The fact that he can only see his reality and has no concept that what he has done will cause great pain to anyone really bothers me. This man is molding the minds of the future generations of our leaders.
Well the damage has been done, and now we who love what he has desecrated can only band together and fast and pray in reparation for his actions. We will treat him as Christ would; with profound love. Who knows what great graces may come from our prayers? Why not join your prayers with ours.
Pax
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Still Jobless After All These Weeks
Oldest daughter never got a call yesterday, so she is assuming that she didn't get the job and is back to filling out appications around town yet again today.
This is getting to be very discouraging for her. All I can tell her is to keep trying and keep praying and God will lead her to the job she is meant to have. I have also told her that we are all praying for her out here in cyberspace, so don't you guys let me down.
St. Anthony, St. Jude and St. Joseph pray for us,
St Therese, show us your little way.
Blesed Mother Mary, intercede with your Son for my daughter's needs.
My dear beloved Saviour, forget not your humble servant in her hour of need.
Pax
This is getting to be very discouraging for her. All I can tell her is to keep trying and keep praying and God will lead her to the job she is meant to have. I have also told her that we are all praying for her out here in cyberspace, so don't you guys let me down.
St. Anthony, St. Jude and St. Joseph pray for us,
St Therese, show us your little way.
Blesed Mother Mary, intercede with your Son for my daughter's needs.
My dear beloved Saviour, forget not your humble servant in her hour of need.
Pax
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Update on Job Search
Our Daughter called to tell us that her interview was awkward, but went pretty well. She really likes the laid back attitude of the non-corporate small business establishment and would fit in well there. The manager has to check her references and said he would call her on Monday.
Since she gave her two previous managers that really liked her and will give her very good references things look very good. She is coming out of a very dark time in her life thanks to the prayers and love of friends like you all.
Pax
Since she gave her two previous managers that really liked her and will give her very good references things look very good. She is coming out of a very dark time in her life thanks to the prayers and love of friends like you all.
Pax
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Prayers Appreciated
Our oldest daughter has been out of work for over a month now and really trying to find another job but not having much luck. She has a very promising interview this coming Thursday for a job at a sandwich shop downtown, which would be pretty convenient for her and might work out well for her course schedule in the fall.
Please if you get a chance in the next few days say a special prayer that she be taken seriously in this interview and that she be offered this job if it is God's will for her. She is getting very discouraged by all of the rejection, and she really needs to start earning some money again.
We would really appreciate any prayer support you all can offer.
Pax
Please if you get a chance in the next few days say a special prayer that she be taken seriously in this interview and that she be offered this job if it is God's will for her. She is getting very discouraged by all of the rejection, and she really needs to start earning some money again.
We would really appreciate any prayer support you all can offer.
Pax
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
GO:New Media Monday (Adjusted for Vacation Time) Liturgy of the Hours on Podcast
Some of you may know that I love the Liturgy of the Hours but have a difficult time remembering to do it without some prodding. I have found that I love to use my IPod to do morning and evening prayer, but I really miss the Office of Reading.
Today while listening to Fr. Roderick's Daily Breakfast podcast from last week (I am usually about a week late listening to his podcasts) I found out about a podcast from a group called Catholic Classes which does the Office of Readings via Podcast, so of course I quickly subscribed to it and am downloading this week's readings as I type this.
Now my daily Office is complete. Morning and evening prayer and the office of reading is all I really need. I do a modified examen as my night prayer, and the rest of my prayer is a running conversation with God (usually, sadly apologizing to him for my judgmental thoughts about the people around me, but I am working on that.)
I hope you all can benefit from my interesting new media find.
Pax
Today while listening to Fr. Roderick's Daily Breakfast podcast from last week (I am usually about a week late listening to his podcasts) I found out about a podcast from a group called Catholic Classes which does the Office of Readings via Podcast, so of course I quickly subscribed to it and am downloading this week's readings as I type this.
Now my daily Office is complete. Morning and evening prayer and the office of reading is all I really need. I do a modified examen as my night prayer, and the rest of my prayer is a running conversation with God (usually, sadly apologizing to him for my judgmental thoughts about the people around me, but I am working on that.)
I hope you all can benefit from my interesting new media find.
Pax
Friday, February 08, 2008
What a Week!
So I began this week saying goodbye to mrangelmeg who had to fly out to meetings for his job and would be away for the balance of the week.
Then on Tuesday I went to mom's nursing home for a Care Plan committee meeting where we discussed what kind of changes were going to be in mom's near future. As I have blogged about recently mom has been falling alot because her peripheral vision is being affected. Her doctor doesn't think it is time for her to be moved from the memory care unit even though there is a chance that she still might get hurt because of her unsteadiness and the chance of being hurt in a fall. Her doctor thinks, and I agree, that she needs to be in the more active ward as long as possible. The next step will be for her to be restricted to a wheelchair full time and in the more restricted ward of the nursing home. We both want to put that day off for a little while longer and keep her active and independent while she can be. These decisions are hard. I am so glad that mom has a Dr. ther who has personal experience with a parent with this disease, because knowing that he went through this with his own father makes me trust his judgement in these decisions so much more than if I thought he were just going on textbook knowledge alone.
So, for at least a little while longer mom has the freedom to move about (with someone right by her side when she is walking, as often as they can have it that way) and remains in the active ward where she knows everyone and everyone knows her.
Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, we had two amazing gifts at Mass. Our retired priest Fr. Charlie, who has been ailing for the last few months not only said Mass, but handed out communion assisted by St. Elmo (his portable oxygen tank). We are so happy to see him able to be active in his pastoral ministry. Also Fr. Emmanuel, a priest friend who went back to his homeland of Zimbabwe Africa last year was concelebrating. He looks a little bit older an more gray, but other than that not much worse for the wear of having survived cancer. I thought the Angelbaby was going to burst all through Mass wanting to rush up onto the altar to give him a hug, but she waited patiently until after the final hymn and ran back into the sacristy, but even then he had slipped away quietly before she could get to him. That is his way.
Thursday my older sister had a mild stroke. With mrangelmeg out of town I couldn't get up to see her, but I was in touch by phone with my sister who lives with her and another sister who drove in to see if things were okay. Now that I have seen her I think she is in much better shape than my mother-in-law was after her stroke last year. She will probably be home by Monday with outpatient physical therapy for speach and swallowing. She now knows that she is diabetic and needs to take much better care of herself.
This was my week to do hospital ministry. While I was there doing my rounds I found that one of my visits was to a dear friend Aggie. She is an older woman whose husband is also in the Knights of Columbus with mrangelmeg is flat on her back in Critical Care with pancreatitis. She was extremely cranky (which is partly her normal way) on Tuesday I stayed with her for a short time. I went back on Wednesday for a bit and again on Thursday after my regular rounds. Each day she got worse instead of better. I am really scared for her. I am hoping things turn around soon for her. I don't know what her husband will do without her.
While I was visiting Aggie, another Knight friend of ours Joe came in, and we found out that he has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma! He starts chemo this week.
So, I am asking all of you to send prayers my way to all of my dear ones who need it (or are on the mend).
Then on Tuesday I went to mom's nursing home for a Care Plan committee meeting where we discussed what kind of changes were going to be in mom's near future. As I have blogged about recently mom has been falling alot because her peripheral vision is being affected. Her doctor doesn't think it is time for her to be moved from the memory care unit even though there is a chance that she still might get hurt because of her unsteadiness and the chance of being hurt in a fall. Her doctor thinks, and I agree, that she needs to be in the more active ward as long as possible. The next step will be for her to be restricted to a wheelchair full time and in the more restricted ward of the nursing home. We both want to put that day off for a little while longer and keep her active and independent while she can be. These decisions are hard. I am so glad that mom has a Dr. ther who has personal experience with a parent with this disease, because knowing that he went through this with his own father makes me trust his judgement in these decisions so much more than if I thought he were just going on textbook knowledge alone.
So, for at least a little while longer mom has the freedom to move about (with someone right by her side when she is walking, as often as they can have it that way) and remains in the active ward where she knows everyone and everyone knows her.
Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, we had two amazing gifts at Mass. Our retired priest Fr. Charlie, who has been ailing for the last few months not only said Mass, but handed out communion assisted by St. Elmo (his portable oxygen tank). We are so happy to see him able to be active in his pastoral ministry. Also Fr. Emmanuel, a priest friend who went back to his homeland of Zimbabwe Africa last year was concelebrating. He looks a little bit older an more gray, but other than that not much worse for the wear of having survived cancer. I thought the Angelbaby was going to burst all through Mass wanting to rush up onto the altar to give him a hug, but she waited patiently until after the final hymn and ran back into the sacristy, but even then he had slipped away quietly before she could get to him. That is his way.
Thursday my older sister had a mild stroke. With mrangelmeg out of town I couldn't get up to see her, but I was in touch by phone with my sister who lives with her and another sister who drove in to see if things were okay. Now that I have seen her I think she is in much better shape than my mother-in-law was after her stroke last year. She will probably be home by Monday with outpatient physical therapy for speach and swallowing. She now knows that she is diabetic and needs to take much better care of herself.
This was my week to do hospital ministry. While I was there doing my rounds I found that one of my visits was to a dear friend Aggie. She is an older woman whose husband is also in the Knights of Columbus with mrangelmeg is flat on her back in Critical Care with pancreatitis. She was extremely cranky (which is partly her normal way) on Tuesday I stayed with her for a short time. I went back on Wednesday for a bit and again on Thursday after my regular rounds. Each day she got worse instead of better. I am really scared for her. I am hoping things turn around soon for her. I don't know what her husband will do without her.
While I was visiting Aggie, another Knight friend of ours Joe came in, and we found out that he has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma! He starts chemo this week.
So, I am asking all of you to send prayers my way to all of my dear ones who need it (or are on the mend).
Monday, January 14, 2008
How Much Righteous Indignation do you get . . .
before it becomes the mortal sin of Anger?
I am just wondering because something happened this evening that has me boiling over. My mom has been falling a lot lately because the Alzheimer's disease is affecting her peripheral vision and her ability to judge distances. Twice in the last week she has fallen and hit her head.
It is the policy of the nursing home that when she falls and hits her head they have to send her to the emergency room of the local hospital which is about a five minute ambulance ride down the road. Tonight she fell and hit the back of her head and raised a pretty big goose egg (that is the technical term, don'tcha know), so the nurse on her wing at the home thought they would probably have to do a cat scan when she got to the hospital to make sure there wasn't a concussion, especially because she can barely respond to verbal questions on a good day.
Well, it turns out that when she got to the ER the Dr. didn't even let the Paramedics unstrap her from their gurney, they just asked if she had lost consciousness and when the paramedics said no the Dr. sent her back to the nursing home without even treating her.
I am livid! Would he have been that callous if that had been his mother? Was he having a bad day? What could have possessed him to be that unfeeling? I just hope, for his sake (and for mom's) that mom doesn't end up with a closed head hematoma, or a broken rib or something else he didn't take the time or energy to look for.
Sheesh! All I have to say is Karma is a bitch, and he will get his someday.
Mom is back at the nursing home where the staff loves her and will watch over her carefully for the next 72 hours to make sure that she doesn't have any ill effects from her fall. I have left instructions for the Dr. to at least try mom out on a walker; with the help of the physical therapy staff there she just might catch on that using a walker will help her balance better (at least it can't hurt to try).
And I am going to say some extra prayers of blessing for the Dr. that that I have been cursing for the last hour. Please join me, he may need them.
Pax
I am just wondering because something happened this evening that has me boiling over. My mom has been falling a lot lately because the Alzheimer's disease is affecting her peripheral vision and her ability to judge distances. Twice in the last week she has fallen and hit her head.
It is the policy of the nursing home that when she falls and hits her head they have to send her to the emergency room of the local hospital which is about a five minute ambulance ride down the road. Tonight she fell and hit the back of her head and raised a pretty big goose egg (that is the technical term, don'tcha know), so the nurse on her wing at the home thought they would probably have to do a cat scan when she got to the hospital to make sure there wasn't a concussion, especially because she can barely respond to verbal questions on a good day.
Well, it turns out that when she got to the ER the Dr. didn't even let the Paramedics unstrap her from their gurney, they just asked if she had lost consciousness and when the paramedics said no the Dr. sent her back to the nursing home without even treating her.
I am livid! Would he have been that callous if that had been his mother? Was he having a bad day? What could have possessed him to be that unfeeling? I just hope, for his sake (and for mom's) that mom doesn't end up with a closed head hematoma, or a broken rib or something else he didn't take the time or energy to look for.
Sheesh! All I have to say is Karma is a bitch, and he will get his someday.
Mom is back at the nursing home where the staff loves her and will watch over her carefully for the next 72 hours to make sure that she doesn't have any ill effects from her fall. I have left instructions for the Dr. to at least try mom out on a walker; with the help of the physical therapy staff there she just might catch on that using a walker will help her balance better (at least it can't hurt to try).
And I am going to say some extra prayers of blessing for the Dr. that that I have been cursing for the last hour. Please join me, he may need them.
Pax
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Prayers Requested
One of my dearest friends Deacon John from The Speakin' Deacon just found out that he has a malignant tumor in his chest. He is asking for prayers from everyone who has the time to offer a prayer for him so I promised to pass along his intention.
John is taking this news in stride. This is a snippet from the email I received today:
To say I'm not scared would be stupid, and a lie. But I'm not down, and certainly not out. We had a vacation planned for next week, and WE ARE GOING. I gave a homily the other day (one I didn't write down) based on the story of Daniel in the lion's den. My point was that it isn't about outcomes, it's about trust. Guess I'll have listen to myself. Keep praying. . .
this I can do for my friend. I am asking all of you to add John to your Advent prayer intentions, and learn from his wisdom. Trust is what it is all about. I trust that God is holding John in the palm of His hand in this and that John will be led to the Oncologist who will make sure that he gets the best of care.
I trust that John will be with us for a long, long time, because the thought of a world that doesn't include my friend John is a world that I cannot comprehend.
Pax
John is taking this news in stride. This is a snippet from the email I received today:
To say I'm not scared would be stupid, and a lie. But I'm not down, and certainly not out. We had a vacation planned for next week, and WE ARE GOING. I gave a homily the other day (one I didn't write down) based on the story of Daniel in the lion's den. My point was that it isn't about outcomes, it's about trust. Guess I'll have listen to myself. Keep praying. . .
this I can do for my friend. I am asking all of you to add John to your Advent prayer intentions, and learn from his wisdom. Trust is what it is all about. I trust that God is holding John in the palm of His hand in this and that John will be led to the Oncologist who will make sure that he gets the best of care.
I trust that John will be with us for a long, long time, because the thought of a world that doesn't include my friend John is a world that I cannot comprehend.
Pax
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Faith must be free, reasonable, and tested . . .
So I came back from gradual school with the full intention of beginning the second essay of my final. I had even taken two books on the subject of faith and reason and eked out a bit of time to read through them on the weekend. I had the seed of an idea of how I wanted to begin the essay. On Sunday evening though. I was very tired and decided that I would go to bed early and begin the essay on Monday.
I got up Monday morning feeling slightly queasy (slightly my eye, I hadn't felt that queasy since the last time I was pregnant). I got up, showered and prepared to go to the angelbaby's school where I am a media center volunteer on Mondays. By the time I actually got to school I knew that it wasn't going to go away, I was really sick.
I felt really bad about leaving the librarian with all the work I normally do undone, but I really had no business being there, so I came home. Mrangelmeg hadn't yet left for work when I got back here, and he agreed that I looked pretty ragged. I put back on jammies and got into bed. I slept most of the morning away. I did wake up in time to realize that I probably needed to find out if middle daughter needed a ride home from school (sometimes her boyfriend brings her home on Mondays.) I called her cell phone and sure enough she was still at school, so I drove over to get her. As soon as we got back home I went right back to bed and didn't get back up again until late in the afternoon.
Mrangelmeg took care of dinner for the troops so I just had to heat up some chicken and rice soup for myself. I was totally wiped out all evening.
I am not much better today. I seem to have about an hour of sustainable energy before I am just totally drained. I have placed my books on the bed, (hoping either the information will seep in through osmosis, or in a fit of high energy I will pick one up and read a chapter or two).
I am praying that this flu will begin to subside pretty quickly. Mrangelmeg is gong on another business trip today and will be gone the rest of the week. I had better get some sleep before I have to pick up daughter from school.
Pax
I got up Monday morning feeling slightly queasy (slightly my eye, I hadn't felt that queasy since the last time I was pregnant). I got up, showered and prepared to go to the angelbaby's school where I am a media center volunteer on Mondays. By the time I actually got to school I knew that it wasn't going to go away, I was really sick.
I felt really bad about leaving the librarian with all the work I normally do undone, but I really had no business being there, so I came home. Mrangelmeg hadn't yet left for work when I got back here, and he agreed that I looked pretty ragged. I put back on jammies and got into bed. I slept most of the morning away. I did wake up in time to realize that I probably needed to find out if middle daughter needed a ride home from school (sometimes her boyfriend brings her home on Mondays.) I called her cell phone and sure enough she was still at school, so I drove over to get her. As soon as we got back home I went right back to bed and didn't get back up again until late in the afternoon.
Mrangelmeg took care of dinner for the troops so I just had to heat up some chicken and rice soup for myself. I was totally wiped out all evening.
I am not much better today. I seem to have about an hour of sustainable energy before I am just totally drained. I have placed my books on the bed, (hoping either the information will seep in through osmosis, or in a fit of high energy I will pick one up and read a chapter or two).
I am praying that this flu will begin to subside pretty quickly. Mrangelmeg is gong on another business trip today and will be gone the rest of the week. I had better get some sleep before I have to pick up daughter from school.
Pax
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
This Final is Killing Me . . .
I had some prescription issues so I went into my Dr.'s office today to see the Nurse Practitioner and get them resolved. (On a side note I got to see pictures of my Dr.s new baby boy, her fourth child-- she is on maternity leave for another month).
While I was there as part of normal charting they took my blood pressure and it is HIGH.
I am not kidding when I tell you that my blood pressure today was higher than I think it has ever been for me and it really gave me a fright.
It could be that I am not taking medications that I really need to take (they ran out and I just haven't had time to get them refilled -- though none of them are for blood pressure). It could just be that taking care of mom's needs and trying to get this final finished and taking care of family issues is just too much all at once, and as soon as things settle down my blood pressure will do the same. The problem is while I can count on it being the latter, I need to do something about the situation while I wait.
The NP said that I should use the same methods that the Dr. talked about for my borderline BP problems when I was quitting my job (diet, less salt, etc). I should start checking it every day again as well. I stopped checking it this summer when I went for a long time with normal readings.
Anyway I would appreciate some prayers for me that I make it through this final (and my mom's ongoing needs) without any detriment to my own health in the process. That would be really good.
While I was there as part of normal charting they took my blood pressure and it is HIGH.
I am not kidding when I tell you that my blood pressure today was higher than I think it has ever been for me and it really gave me a fright.
It could be that I am not taking medications that I really need to take (they ran out and I just haven't had time to get them refilled -- though none of them are for blood pressure). It could just be that taking care of mom's needs and trying to get this final finished and taking care of family issues is just too much all at once, and as soon as things settle down my blood pressure will do the same. The problem is while I can count on it being the latter, I need to do something about the situation while I wait.
The NP said that I should use the same methods that the Dr. talked about for my borderline BP problems when I was quitting my job (diet, less salt, etc). I should start checking it every day again as well. I stopped checking it this summer when I went for a long time with normal readings.
Anyway I would appreciate some prayers for me that I make it through this final (and my mom's ongoing needs) without any detriment to my own health in the process. That would be really good.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
A Moment of Silence Please
About two weeks ago my Uncle Chuck, (My mother's brother) died at the age of 83. I couldn't get to the funeral because mom was in the hospital at the time. We have decided to not tell her that he died, because in her demented state she won't remember and each time someone has to tell her that he is dead she will mourn all over again.
Just this morning I received word that my Aunt Mary (my father's brother's wife) died. She had been ill herself for a long time and she finally couldn't hold on anymore. Her husband, my uncle, is suffering from dementia, and has been placed in a hospital as the first step to transferring him to a nursing home. (I will be able to counsel the family on what to expect having just gone through it with my mom.)
I am going to try to get to the funeral this time because I couldn't last time. The two families live in the same city.
I am not devastated by these deaths because I know that my aunt and uncle are no longer in pain, but I am very concerned about how my aunt's family will handle the stress of losing a mother and having to put their dad in a nursing home.
Please say a quick prayer for the repose of the souls of Chuck and Mary, and for comfort for their families.
Pax
Just this morning I received word that my Aunt Mary (my father's brother's wife) died. She had been ill herself for a long time and she finally couldn't hold on anymore. Her husband, my uncle, is suffering from dementia, and has been placed in a hospital as the first step to transferring him to a nursing home. (I will be able to counsel the family on what to expect having just gone through it with my mom.)
I am going to try to get to the funeral this time because I couldn't last time. The two families live in the same city.
I am not devastated by these deaths because I know that my aunt and uncle are no longer in pain, but I am very concerned about how my aunt's family will handle the stress of losing a mother and having to put their dad in a nursing home.
Please say a quick prayer for the repose of the souls of Chuck and Mary, and for comfort for their families.
Pax
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