What am I Reading

So I am still working my way through  this wonderful book by my professor.  I am finding that to do it justice I have to read a bit more slowly than I normally devour books.

It is well worth the effort though as I am learning things about myself and why and how I react to the world around me based upon my emotions.

Next in my pile of books is one that was on my wish list, and I am happy to say I came into possession of  recently and can't wait to start reading.

This one should be equally as helpful in the whole emotional wellness,  area, and I am hoping that I will gain as much from this as I am from Ryan's book.

This was one area of our training in Spiritual Direction that I felt we needed much more than three hours to cover, so all the extra reading I can do to assist me in learning how to help others will make me better at my work with them as they tap into their own emotional responses to the world around them and by default, God's movement in the world.

I will give you an update as I continue to read.

What are you reading?  Leave me a comment and let me know.

Pax

You Can't Avoid the Dark Night By Redefinition

I went to see my Spiritual Director today. He had some cold hard truths to tell me about where I am in my current spiritual path.

For a while now I have been struggling with a new and for lack of a better term mystifying (interesting coming from someone who has such a fascination with mystics) prayer life. Me, the person who loves words, has been unable to pray with words or receive answer to prayer in words. What I do get when I pray is either great silence, or images. Neither causes me great distress, but neither gives me comfort, because I have no idea what to do with these images.

I am what you might call an idea person. Give me a topic and a sufficient amount of time and I can come up or brainstorm an entire notebook of ideas about that topic, so when I first started getting images in prayer I would immediately go into brainstorm mode and come up with 99 interpretations for what the image might mean. With no one to guide my mind's wandering or to help me sift through the processing (or so I thought) I was left confused most of the time until after the fact when suddenly I could see in hindsight how the image fit into what was going on in my life.

I could feel myself slipping into a lost state, and knew that God was trying to stretch me by this new form of communication in prayer, but somehow I was the one who wasn't getting the message; I was the imperfect receptacle. I kept thinking to myself, If I know that God wants to stretch me, and I know that it has something to do with the images, can I avoid the pain and loneliness of the Dark Night?

It was at this point that my wise Spiritual Director stopped me. "Don't you see," he said to me "that you are already in the dark night, just because you understand what it looks like and want to call it something else doesn't change the fact that your prayer is no longer consoling and life giving, but confused and causing you great pain."

That stopped me short. Here was that amazing mirror that good Spiritual Directors use. He held it up in front of me and helped me to see myself exactly as I am. No matter how rationally I think about where I have been, and where I need to go, there is no denying the pain and loneliness and confusion of where I am at this moment. No matter how many books I try to read on prayer or dreams or divine imagery I can't deny that where I am is in the Darkness.

What I do know is that what used to work for me doesn't any longer. What I need to do is learn to be comfortable where I am; with the images. If there is some meaning that is supposed to be attached to an image, it will come, if not, it isn't my job to try so hard to find it.

Teresa of Avila uses the imagery of prayer as water. You go to the well, and draw water from the well using a bucket. It is labor intensive, but it works. Eventually the well runs dry because God wants you to move to a different kind of prayer.

In the second form of prayer your fields are irrigated by a stream that runs near it, it is much easier to get the water this way, much less labor intensive.

God eventually sends rain onto the fields, and all you have to do for that kind of prayer is be present, and the water falls upon you, no movement on your part is necessary at all in this form of prayer.

And finally there is the water in the stream or ocean that surrounds you; this form of prayer doesn't just touch you, it engulfs you. You can fight against the water or you can rest in it, allowing your own buoyancy to keep you afloat and upright.

My Spiritual Director thinks there might be one more invitation. If God is the ocean. Then perhaps some of us are called to stop just floating, and to learn to totally let go, let God and be open to the total metamorphosis into an ocean dwelling creature who can be content to be totally submerged always and no longer need to breath air. Is that where I am in my prayer life, am I still fighting to breathe air and God is asking me to let go (die to self) and let God become even my breathing apparatus, so that I am totally engulfed in God alone? Am I being called to let my entire life "be prayer"?

This was what my Spiritual Director left me to ponder. This is my dark night, learning to totally die to self, learning how to breathe God alone, so that my life can be prayer. It is a staggeringly humbling thought.

Could it happen?

Pax

Day By Day

What is it we are searching for in this earthly life? That, some might say is the million dollar question, and if you ask one million people I would wager you would probably get a million different answers. I would even venture to say that if you asked a million Catholics you would probably get a million different variations of an answer.

Some Catholics would most likely go back to the old standard Baltimore Catechism answer to the question Why God made us and what we must do to gain happiness in heaven? To be honest, there is nothing at all wrong with those answers, they are just, wading pool answers. They answer the question thoroughly, but you really only get your feet wet.

The part of the equation I am interested in at this particular time in my life is the knowing, loving and serving God part of that answer. If I am to be all in all to God in this present life how do I go about doing that?

I want to give my all in all to God and God alone, but my sinful self gets in the way time and time again. I said as much to my spiritual director just last month after I had spent some time recently going over nearly 25 years of old journals and realizing that I have continually, almost habitually been dealing with the same darn sins over and over again. Why is it that I can't seem to gain mastery over those particular demons? Fr. reassured me that those were my demons, and God had chosen them for my perfection, but he also suggested that I might do well to take a look at some tools to help me become aware of my own motivations. Perhaps, if I am aware of why I do what it is I do I will be less inclined to slip into those old patterns again and again.

So, it was with Fr.'s blessing that I went to a workshop on the Enneagram. There is a lot of information and history involved in this process than I can list here, but suffice it to say that Enneagram is simply a way to look at how we as humans learn to cope with the world around us. People fall into nine "types" based upon how they cope with stresses in their lives. After you become aware of how you react to stress, you can learn to move toward the best, instead of the worst traits to cope with that stress. To say that it was an amazingly eye opening day would be an understatement.

After listening to the descriptors of all nine types I determined without question that I am a #7 on the Enneagram. The Enthusiast.

Sevens have anxiety about their inner world. There are feelings of pain, loss, deprivation, and general anxiety that Sevens would like to stay clear of as much as possible. To cope with these feelings, Sevens keep their minds occupied with exciting possibilities and options— as long as they have something stimulating to anticipate, Sevens feel that they can distract themselves from their fears. Sevens, in most cases, do not stop merely at thinking about these options, however. As much as possible they attempt to actually do as many of their options as they can. Thus, Sevens can be found staying on the go, pursuing one experience after another, and keeping themselves entertained and engaged with their many ideas and activities.


This pretty much explains me. I love starting projects, but I rarely ever finish them unless there is a set deadline. I constantly move from one activity to the next and get distracted very easily.

This is true even in prayer, which explains (for example) why certain forms of prayer have always been a challenge for me, anything with multiple distractors (such as praying the rosary in a group of people, where different voices are speaking at differing speeds) is extremely hard for me to maintain my focus. The same can be said for Liturgy of the Hours in a group. I much rather prefer to pray by myself, where I can control the speed and the cadence to my liking.
I realize that is almost and oxymoron in terms of true Liturgy for me to want to pray by myself, but to realize that my struggle internal and not simply boredom gives me great peace.

Now when I go to communal prayer I can realize that to offer up my struggle and join in the community is gift, and not come away feeling frustrated because of the distraction I felt at prayer.

I also learned much more about why I fall into other more personal sins, but those I think I will keep to myself. But the entire day gave me much to meditate upon and much to thank God for and much, much, much to take to Spiritual Direction in a few weeks when I return to my wise director and thank him for the nudge.

I believe that this truly is a way to see myself as God sees me: in the light of his compassionate love, so that I can accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can. The wisdom comes in knowing the difference.

Pax

What I'm Reading Now

I am actually reading two books, both by the Jesuit Authors.

The first one I talked about a few posts ago When the Well Runs Dry: Prayer Beyond Beginnings by Thomas Green SJ I love it and each chapter brings me a new perspective on my relationship with the Divine and why the old ways of praying are no longer working for me and why trying to go back to them isn't the best choice when I should be moving forward.

The other book is the next textbook in my Spiritual Direction Internship and is called The Practice of Spiritual Direction by William a Barry SJ. It is a practical guide to actually doing Spiritual Direction, a guidebook you might say. I haven't yet finished the first chapter, so I have quite a ways to go. I will write more when I have had time to digest a bit more of it.

Pax

Road Closed! But It Isn't Always About You My Dear . . .

or so counsels my spiritual director.

On my way to my regular monthly appointment with Fr. Rick I encountered not one but two closed roads which caused me to be detoured way the heck out of my way and made me very late for my appointment. When I finally arrived at his office and we had settled in and said a prayer together I asked him to interpret for me the significance of not one by two roadblocks in my way today.

He then told me what I can't have known because I was enjoying the sun and surf in almost-paradise all summer: there was disastrous flooding in the area that displaced two thousand families from their homes and destroyed three bridges along State Road 46. So the closed road had absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual journey, because God wouldn't be that much of a bully to displace all those people just to send me a silly message. In essence Fr. Rick said "Get Real, it isn't always about you my dear." a message I need to be reminded from time to time.

I told him that it did offer me an opportunity to practice a discipline of patience (which I sadly lack and need the practice, ) so I did get some benefit from the detours. Grace comes even if the reason for the obstacle isn't meant for me. God can work like that.

I love spiritual direction and my spiritual director in particular because he has a way of making sure I don't take myself too seriously or take everything as a portent of something greater meant only for me (as if God's great big world does revolve around me and me alone). He also calls me on my faults, and helps me to try to root them out and keep them always in front of me, so that I can see them clearly.

The trip home was much less stressful, because I knew which way to go. That was nice.

Pax

I'm In . . . Oh Dear!

My interview went even better than I could have expected. It was Spirit led and Spirit filled and we talked about a lot of topics; some personal, some professional. I laughed, I cried, and I must have said the right things because rather than follow the usual procedure of meeting together after my interview to determine if they thought I would fit into the program and then sending me a letter of acceptance or rejection, they offered me a spot in the program right there at the interview! I was so humbled by that, but also filled with joy, because now I know and can get on with planning my fall around the trips to Indianapolis.

So it is back into the classroom for me for another two years. Oh well, it isn't as if I ever thought I was at the end of my ability to learn new things, and I am really interested in learning about and becoming a Spiritual Director, so I am actually really excited about the thought of going back to class again.

I promised to leave it up to God, so I suppose that I have to assume that God has opened this door for a reason. I need to have the courage now to walk through the door and see where it leads.

Pax

Does a Racing Mind Count . . .

as aerobic exercise?

I was just wondering. I am so excited about my internship interview tomorrow that I can't get to sleep. If I have to stay up at least I should get some calorie burn for my troubles, don'tcha think?

I did tell you about my internship didn't I? No? How unusual.

I have been trying to discern what to do with my Masters Degree and so far the closest things that I feel to a "stirring of the Spirit" has come when I have thought and prayed about offering Spiritual Direction to college kids. So, to that end I searched the Internet for training programs in Spiritual Direction

I found a really great program at Boston College which would have been my first choice, it being a Jesuit Institution and all, but moving myself back into the realm of possibility, I realized that considering my state in life and my primary commitment to my husband and kids I needed to find an alternative a bit closer to home and more practical. So there happens to be a really well respected training program in Indianapolis at a (get this) Benedictine Abbey (why is God doing this to me, I ask you). So, before we left for Florida last spring I applied for one of the 25 slots for the cohort group that will begin this fall. I have the final part of the application process, the face-to-face interview with the Director of Spirituality tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.

I am really nervous. I know that by this point, the interview is probably a formality and after having read my personal spiritual autobiography, letters of recommendation from three people who know me (one being my personal spiritual director) and my goals and objectives for using the skills I will gain from this program they already have a pretty good idea of who I am. I could go in there tomorrow and really turn the Sr. off by coming off too arrogant, or too cocky, or too unsure.

I want to be honest about where I am right now in my spiritual walk and where I am going with my prayer life. I just wish I weren't so nervous. I don't think I was this nervous when I went for my Grad School interview.

Say a prayer for me. I have been praying to St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, two of my spiritual mentors, and resisting the urge to pray to St. Rita and St. Jude.

I know I will feel so much relief tomorrow afternoon on the drive home. Whatever Lord! That is my prayer. I know tomorrow will turn out the way God intends because I have left it in His capable hands. Now if I could just shut of my brain and get some sleep the drive tomorrow would be much nicer I am sure.

Pax

Delaying Obedience is Disobedience . . .

even if it means the difference of just a few years until the end of a career as a professional athlete playing a game you love before you enter the seminary. Or so says Chase Hilgenbrinck, who had opted to retire from his professional soccer career with the New England Revolution to enter the Seminary in the fall.

You can read the entire story here.


What an inspiring message this young man's life is for all of us who are trying to do God's will. He must have had some amazing direction and help along the way.

You can bet his name will go on my list of seminarians that I pray for daily.

Pax

Where is God?

I went for my monthly Spiritual Direction visit today. After listening to me recount my life as I have lived it over the last month - trying to juggle being a mother, wife, student, daughter, housekeeper (yeah, a lot of that has gotten done this last month) friend, sister, evangelist, pilgrim, etc, etc. Fr. had the nerve to ask "where do you find God in all of this?"

I sat there in stunned silence for a moment, thinking.

It was then I realized, God must be here, in the midst of the struggle, and the anguish over the essays and the rush to cook dinner for a family that I have all but ignored all day trying to get something on paper. He must be somewhere in the piles of laundry that go unwashed another day as I struggle to fit in one more visit to Mrs Alzheimer's, who doesn't care that I am there and really doesn't want me to visit anyway. There is a grace in all of this even if the grace isn't bringing with it the peace that I normally feel.

The Israelites in the desert didn't feel a great deal of peace I am guessing, but God was with them every step of their journey testing them, making them stronger and proving them to be His people.

So, I came away from Spiritual Direction with the promise that God is with me in the struggle that I find myself in at the present moment. So long as I keep taking the next step of faith and making the next right decision God will guide me through and eventually I will regain that sense of peace and balance that I need in my life.

Let's just hope that happens before I lose all my pretty marbles mkay?

Pax

Spiritual Direction: the Not-so-Hidden Treasure of the Catholic Laity

At least I hope it isn't so hidden anymore.

about 10 years ago when I began my first Spiritual Direction relationship it wasn't all that common for lay-women or lay-men to seek spiritual direction on a regular basis. It might have been going on then, but it really was a hidden treasure back then. Religious sisters and brothers and the ordained clergy had been using direction as a spiritual tool for centuries (heck probably millennia) but lay people didn't know much about the necessity of it or how to go about getting a director.

I don't know what I would do without spiritual direction. My monthly appointment is just as important to me as visits to the doctor, or dentist, or my weekly attendance at mass or my daily prayer time. I have written about Direction a couple of times in the past:

here

here

and here and here too

I had a direction appointment today. As I was filling Fr. in on what my life has been like since the last time we met (before I started the two Philosophy Classes) and my frustrations at the studying and how most of my prayer time has been consumed by begging for help to get through, and my other frustration that I didn't seem to be capable of getting much of the other self-improvement issues I had decided I wanted to work on begun this summer, etc.

At this point he stopped me and gently reminded me that I needed to stop a moment and set some priorities. I am a wife/mother caregiver for my mom and student first, and maybe, just maybe for this summer those things need to take my full attention. Whatever I had decided I wanted to do or become could certainly wait a month or so when I don't find myself buried under a mountain of homework. Maybe those things are enough for now.

He sent me home thinking about that, and gave me something to meditate on between today and the next time we meet next month.

I am so blessed. We laugh, he listens to what I say and makes me listen to myself so that I don't stress out. He is a wonderful "soul friend" and companion on my spiritual journey.

I would suggest that if you don't have a spiritual director, and would like one seek one out. If you know a priest or religious in your area that you think would make a good fit for you, ask. If you haven't got a clue where to look, you might start by calling the Chancery at your Diocese, or the nearest Monastery or Convent.

I know that I will continue to seek direction. Without it my spirit is burdened and sometimes lost.

Pax

Day for Direction

So today is my monthly visit with my Spiritual Director. I have ventured away from my kids leaving them to fend for themselves this morning so that I could have a more leisurely morning here at my mom's house (my Spiritual Director is the parish priest in my mom's parish coincidentally) and get to my morning appointment without rushing or getting caught in highway traffic.

I love spiritual direction. It is probably one of the best decisions I have ever made to seek it even though it does take quite a bit of effort on the part of not only me, but my family for me to be able to avail myself of the opportunity. I also have been blessed with very capable directors -- I have had four -- in the years since I began to seek direction.

My current director is a very busy priest who shepherds two parishes, but when I am with him for my monthly visit I am the center of his attention. He has helped me to look critically at where I am, where I want to be heading and how I intend to get there, both in my spiritual life and in my work and family life. He really helped me to regain a sense of self confidence when I was picking myself up after I left my job last spring. That was when I began to see him.

Now we are working through not only my decisions about where to go in my professional life, but how to handle the stresses of my mother's illness, and with my own illness as I am healing and learning to cope with the asthma and allergies that I was left with from the stress I was under last year.

He keeps me honest, and he helps me to examine new ways of seeking God's presence. He also affirms what I am doing that is on the right track.

I had better get moving, or I will be late. I don't want to miss a moment of our time together.


Addendum: I got to my appointment on time, but my wonderful Spiritual Director, who happens to be slightly overworked, had written the time down as one hour earlier in his calendar. His secretary didn't have my contact information so she had no way of contacting me to find out why I was late. We still met for a much shorter time and set up next months meeting for a time that both his secretary and I agreed upon and she has my numbers now so she will be able to contact me. I am sure this happened for a reason. As I have said my favorite beatitude is "Blessed are the flexible, they never get bent out of shape."

Pax