Downloading Patience

So, I am sitting here at my favorite Starbucks, sipping a Zen tea and waiting for a very, very long download to complete to my computer/Garmin.  It occurred to me that watching something download is the New Millennium equivalent of watching paint dry.  It is the most boring, frustrating activity I can think of doing.

Silly me, I forgot to bring a book with me.

It wasn't until I had been watching the numbers go down, then back up, then down, then back up again for about  thirty-five minutes, that I was wasting a great opportunity to practice patience instead of annoyance.  I mean really, here I was drinking Zen tea, and becoming more and more frustrated instead of using all this wonderful free time to let my mind center on God.

I began to take that inner journey,  letting go of everything; my surroundings, the smooth jazz coming from the XM radio station playing in the background, the download status that kept trending up-then-down on my computer screen, even the fact that my hair was still a bit wet from my workout at the gym just before I came here, and sat with my eyes closed and centered myself on that seed, planted deep inside.  (The image I have come to use as my center).  Conscious of my breathing, and then even letting that go I let the moments slip away along with my frustrations, cares, heartaches and prayers.

I allowed myself to completely rest, wanting nothing, seeking nothing, doing nothing.

Patience is surrender.  Surrender is peace. Purity of heart is to will one thing.

Who knew downloading Garmin Maps would be the pathway to peace?

Pax

On Suffering

If the Lord should give you power to raise the dead, He would give much less than He does when he bestows suffering. By miracles you would make yourself debtor to Him, while by suffering He may become debtor to you. And even if sufferings had no other reward than being able to bear something for that God who loves you, is not this a great reward and a sufficient remuneration? Whoever loves, understands what I say. - Saint John Chrysostom (347-407)

Suffering is a topic that we, especially in this country don't like to think about or experience. We do everything we can to avoid suffering, from self medication to avoidance to all manner of odd practices. What we have forgotten I think is that suffering is gift.

God sends suffering into our lives for a reason. If we look at it that way then it should change how we encounter the trials and tribulations in our lives. I don't mean that we should all go out looking for pain or living with pain when we do have the ability to medically take the pain away, but we should not look upon suffering as something to be avoided at all costs.

Old St John Chrysostom was wise in that way. There are great rewards for those who learn from the gift of suffering that God sends.

What have you learned from the suffering in your life?

Practice . . .

is one of those words that no one likes to hear, or think about. It has such bad connotations. Boring drills and repetitive mind numbing action of doing the same things over and over again thousands upon thousands of times. Perhaps that is why the word practice is so foreign to our understanding of the spiritual life. We don't want our spiritual life to be boring or repetitive or the same thing done over and over again.

Yet, the same principle that makes a golfer wanting to hone his short game hit thousands of chip shots day after day, is the same principle that could be applied to anyone who wants to grow in the spiritual life as well. If there isn't some form of practice going on there can be no growth.

Of course, I could take my golf clubs and hit chip shots all day every day, and I will never be as skilled at golf as Tiger Woods, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. And just because Tiger Woods has so much innate talent doesn't mean he just sits back and rests without any practice at all. In fact just this year in an interview he stated that since his recent knee surgery he has been able to spend much more time practicing and he has noticed a decided improvement in the quality of his game because he was spending more time on the range and the practice green. Imagine that, Tiger Woods admitting that his game improves when he has more time to practice.

So, we should spend time in the practice of the spiritual life. But how? That is something that is very individual. We tend to know what we need to work on. How you practice your spiritual discipline is a very individual pursuit. There are a few standard fundamentals that will help anyone grow in the spiritual discipline if we practice them:

Immerse yourself in the Word -- Pick up your bible and read a few chapters every day. You can actually get through the entire bible in less than a year if you make a practice of reading a bit each day. Find a translation that you like and understand (there are many, some more conversational than others, some more flowery) Don't worry about the boring, listy parts, skim them quickly or just skip over them: I had a Professor in Gradual School who gave us all a list entitled Reading the bible without having to read any of the boring bits, and it listed which specific repetitive chapters to skip.)

Talk to God (pray) every day --, in whatever way you feel most comfortable. For some people this will mean doing a set group of rote prayers morning and evening. For some people this will mean setting aside time for meditation or contemplation. For some people this will mean practicing the presence of God, or cultivating a lifestyle where they always feel as though they are in God's presence and are in communication with God. For some people it may mean small , sticky note, arrow (the old term for these was ejaculation) prayers throughout the day. For some people, the greatest form of daily prayer is to participate in the Liturgy of the Hours of the Church, These are a set pattern of psalms, responses and readings that all clergy and religious of the church pray every day, and can be prayed by anyone who wants to join in.

The most important thing about prayer isn't how you do it, it is that you do it.


Learn something new -- there are many ways to accomplish this, you could read spiritual readings, listen to or watch something enriching, go to lectures or to Mass or your worship service if you aren't Catholic.

You could join with a group of friends and actually study the bible you have been reading, that is a very different form of immersion, to study the word. To look at the context of the time in which it was written and the people to whom the story is speaking in that time and what that story meant for them and then what that same story means now.

You could join a group of friends for prayer and support in the Christian walk. Get together once a week to support each other, pray for each other's needs and give each other guidance and love. We all can learn something from each other if we take the time to really listen to each other.


Reach Out -- Action is part of the spiritual growth process. Every week you would be doing something for others. It doesn't have to be something grand or amazing like a mission trip to some foreign country, it might just be dropping off some canned goods at the food pantry, or stopping in at the nursing home to visit someone from your church who lives there now. Mother Teresa used to say we didn't have to do great things we just had to do small things with great joy. My prayer each morning is that God will make me aware of the people and situations that have been placed in my path that day so that I may serve the Kingdom. Then when I am faced with a chance to help someone with a heavy load at the grocery, or a few extra minutes of my time for a chat I think of that as my gift to God and not an inconvenience at all.


I think if you start practicing these simple things every day, your spiritual life will grow in amazing ways; ways you would never have imagined. God has a plan for your life, and you have to participate in that plan in the same way that Tiger Woods has to participate in the plan for his career. Think about having a spiritual life more amazing as Tiger Woods' golf career. With practice it could happen.

Pax

A Reflective Week

This has been an interesting week for me. It was the first week of my new semester in my Spiritual Direction Internship. This semester "the gloves come off" so to speak and we actually have to begin to perform the task of spiritual direction in a very structured and supervised environment directing our fellow classmates.

This semester also the topics go even deeper into the realm of spirituality; for instance the first topic on Tuesday was Spirituality and Social Justice. For three hours we delved into the true biblical meaning of justice and how counter-cultural it is to contemporary societies meaning of justice in many ways. It was an intense morning to say the least.

I volunteered to be a Guinea pig directee for the first session of Spiritual direction in our afternoon session. One of our instructors was the Director, and was showing the other classmates how to conduct a direction session. I was told to come prepared with a topic to discuss, so I had been thinking over the weekend about something that I have been trying to figure out for a while. I didn't expect much, since the session was only going to be 20 minutes long, but what happened was an extremely intense spiritual experience in which I was able to unpack not only why I have been struggling with this issue, but also to explore an even deeper understanding of how I see God and God's love and care for me.

By the end of the time I had laughed and cried and found a resolution to my dilemma that will keep me in a volunteer ministry that I love doing but that had been causing me great distress for quite some time, because I am doing it for the right reason, and my human, faulty gift to that ministry is worth giving.

Then yesterday as the angelbaby and I were driving to school, the car transmission went out and we got stranded on the side of the road in the freezing cold. As we were sitting there assessing our situation the angelbaby was trying to find something to be optimistic about and realized that had the car gone out earlier in the week mrangelmeg would have still been away on his work trip and not blessedly a local call away to handle calling for son-and-heir to come pick us up, and a tow truck to pick up the car and tow it to the shop.

I am constantly amazed at how many faith lessons I learn from my youngest child. We still don't know the extent of the car's problems, and may have to make a decision as to whether it is even worth it to sink a bunch of money into a 10 year old car, but we at least have son-and-heir's car to share for a few days and the girls all have Martin Luther King Jr Day off on Monday.

After sitting here this morning and reflecting on my week, I have come to realize that God carefully orders our steps. I am so blessed that I have this family that is filled with people who are so willing to pitch in and get the job done.

Next week it is my turn to be Spiritual Director for the first time. I have no illusions that I will be as masterful as my instructor was, but if I learned anything from my session of direction this week it is that anything worth doing is worth beginning poorly because you can't begin to improve unless you begin.

Pax

This is The Best Day Ever!

Today's Mass readings were all about being a shining example to the world of the One to whom we belong so the world will know Him and want to be His.

I think I might not be the best shining example today . . . I keep taking two steps forward and one step backward and have done that all day long.

I got up early enough to make it to morning mass, which was good. But was so late that I barely made it to my place in the chapel before Fr. walked in to begin Mass (no prayers to prepare myself before Mass this morning).

I went to visit with my mother-in-law which was a really nice thing, but somehow I forgot the time and missed my physical therapy appointment because I thought I was supposed to be there at a different time and I got there twenty minutes later than I was supposed to, so they had to reschedule me for next week which was the earliest they could get me in again.

I found a receipt I have been looking for for something of my mother's and in my excitement I tore it up. Lucky for me it wasn't into little bits and I could still read it enough so that I could call her nursing home and get the matter of it straightened out.

I'm not sure, but I think my new medication is causing me some really strange side effects, and ones I don't know if I can live with even though the pain in my hip is a lot less severe since I have been wearing it.

It is cold and wet again today. Cold wet weather is the worst.

Oh well, I have to remember that the gospel says that we are supposed to be perfected -- a process of getting better, not a state of being without fault. This is one of those days where God is working on me.

I can really feel it.

Pax

Walking by Faith OR My Steps are So Carefully Ordered

My prayer life has been changing radically in the last few months. At almost an exponential rate I have been catapulted into a very different experience of prayer and I feel so off balance at times because I am not sure where it fits into my devotional life.



Should I abandon all the old forms of prayer and simply use this new deeper form of prayer always? Should I trust that this prayer is actually from God and not just assume that I am decieving myself because this prayer takes almost no effort on my part? How do I gain the most fruit from this new type of prayer? . . . These are the questions that swim around in my rational mind almost every day now that I am living in this new reality of prayer.



So then, God sent me a day like yesterday.



I was rushing to get to my internship in Indianapolis, and was going to be getting there without a moment to spare, but there was an overturned semi in the median of the highway, so trafic was at a standstill at one point and I was stopped. The consequence was I arrived five minutes late and class had already begun.



The session was on the Art of Holy Listening, and Sr. Wanda was leading the opening prayer when I walked in. I assumed that she was leading a guided meditation from her tone and the words she was using, so I hurried to my seat and tried to engage as quickly as possible in the prayer. My mind was still racing, and I was wondering if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing when I got a clear message from God that I didn't need to "do" anything I just needed to "be". After that I became very calm and let out a breath and totally relaxed into a very peaceful space. At that moment Sr. Wanda played a song which was a reflection on the verse from the bible that says "Be still and know that I am God" !



After the song, Sr Wanda asked us all to write in our journals a phrase or sentance that captured how we felt about our prayer experience. Without thinking at all I wrote "human beings, not human doings" . Then class began.



At the end of class, (a very full class on the art of listening well) we were given a chance to use the tools we had just learned in a spiritual direction setting. We broke into groups of three, and did an exercise where one of us was the director, one the directee and one was a compassionate observer. (every five minutes we switched roles till everyone had had a chance to be each). When it was my turn to be the directee I talked about my experience at prayer that morning, and how that type of wordless prayer is so much more effective for me than any rote prayers that I say and how in my prayer life I am finding that using time for this type of "being with God is usurping all of my prayer time. I was wondering (to the director) if I needed to balance the two? In five minutes we didn't nearly have time to work it out, but I said that I would probably take that question to my Spiritual Director when I saw him in October since it had been on my heart for so long.



Later that day I had picked up a book to do some casual reading because I was staying over in Indianapolis with mrangelmeg who is there for a class and he wasn't going to get out of his class for a few hours after my class was over. When I was packing for the trip I had tossed in a book that I had purchased a few weeks back that was written by one of my favorite authors. I bought it without really looking at what it was about, knowing that whatever it was I would like it because I have enjoyed all of his other books.

I took the book out of my bag to kill some time while I was waiting for mrangelmeg's class to get over and what should it be about do you suppose? What to do when one"s prayer life begins to go beyond the early stages and into a deeper more intimate form of prayer. It is called When the Well Runs Dry by Thomas Green SJ. Coincidence? I should think not!!!

So, I spent the next hour (and later that night. and some more this morning while mrangelmeg was sleeping in) reading about exactly where I am in my prayer life and being affirmed by one of my favorite Jesuit authors that I am not alone, and that he will be my guide as I begin to navigate this new country and make it my own. So far, I have read nearly 100 pages of this book, it is so compelling to me probably because I am reading it right when I need to be reading it, not a moment too soon.

How amazing that just when I need it I happen to purchase this book not because of the content but because of the author, and just when I am at a crisis point in this new land of prayer of all the books in my pile of bookss I want to read some day I happen to throw that particular one into my bag to take along for my overnight stay after this particular class when I have a deeply moving prayer experience and it wells up in me many questions about this place I am entering in my prayer life and what I should or shouldn't be doing here.

It just goes to show how carefully God orders my steps.

God is good, all the time.

Pax

The Spiritual Discipline of My One Thing

About the middle of the summer I began a spiritual discipline that I have been calling "My One Thing", in which I try to gain one clear message from each Mass that I attend by listening attentively and with an open heart to the readings, responses, homily, prayers etc for that particular liturgy, and asking God to lay upon my heart one clear message that is meant for me and me alone.

When I receive that clear message I have been writing it in a small journal that I received as a Graduation gift from the Librarian that I work with at the angelbaby's school because it is small enough to fit in my purse so I can carry it with me to Mass. I take the journal out right in the middle of Mass and jot down the message, whatever it is when I find that I have received it. This usually happens either during or right after the homily.

When I go back over the messages that I have written in the journal, what I find are things that are either affirming of me in my spiritual walk, or statements of correction for my journey. Each one gives me something to meditate upon when I need a prayer stimulus, or just want to do a bit of lectio. I read through it often and am amazed at how personal it is.

Today I got out my little journal and was waiting for a clear message at the Daily Mass which happened to be a school Mass and the first one I have gotten to attend that was presided over by Fr Bill since he returned from his vacation a week ago. What I ended up writing down, much to my amazement, were the words "don't be a bully". The funny thing is I remember Fr. Bill saying those words to the kids during his homily, but I didn't write them down then, because I realized at the time that he was doing what he does so masterfully; encouraging them to be better than they want to be in terms of behavior, and there have been some instances of bullying at the school last year, so this year he wants the kids to work on being better than that -- as in loving their neighbors as Jesus loves them.

No, I wrote the words later during the reflection time after communion, when I realized that I hadn't written anything yet and asked God what it was that my One Thing was supposed to be for this Mass. Without even a second thought I watched as my pencil wrote the words on the paper. I had no idea what context they had for me, but I was certain that the message came from God.

So after Mass I went into the Sacristy to say hello and welcome back to Fr. Bill since this was my first chance to see him since his return from vacation. I told him about my dilemma and that that God's message for me that day was "Don't be a bully". His response was that he found it hard to imagine that I could ever be considered a bully. I said unfortunately it was probably not that hard for God to find those traits in me.

I did tell him that thanks to him I would be pondering all day as to what exactly God was trying to direct me toward by telling me to not be a bully, and thanks a lot because it wasn't as if I didn't have other stuff to do all day. If I ever figured it out I am supposed to let him know, because he was really intrigued.

So I did ponder exactly that all day: what was God trying to teach me by giving me that phrase today at Mass? How am I being a bully in my life? I think I have finally come up with some idea about what God wants me to see in myself.

I don't bully people in the strictest sense of the term bully, but I do have a tendency to think that my way of doing things is the best way to do them, sometimes to the derision and need to make sarcastic comments about how other people decide to do them. Isn't this a type of being a bully? I need to work on my feeling superior to other people. I need to be more humble, and willing to allow that there are many ways to do things, and just because other people don't do things the way I do, doesn't mean that their way is wrong, it is just another way to achieve the same end.

This may seem like such a small thing, but to me it is quite huge. It is like the plank in my own eye that I refused to remove while I was chastising someone else for the speck in their eye. If I can eliminate this type of behavior from myself I will be so much more the authentic and effective person that God needs for me to be to bring about the Kingdom. Now that I have named it and claimed it, I think with God's help I can root it out of my life.

I will have to remember to tell Fr. Bill when I see him at Mass on Sunday.

Pax

Conversation After Mass This Morning . . .

Me: This is what I read today after Communion:
(reading from the book)

Wit is generally a dangerous gift. It often conceals a lack of charity and a satanic sharpness. A recklessly witty man is seldom a kind
one. Only too often he seeks himself, and loves to shine as a wit at the
expense of humility and charity

Fr. Don.: (Assoicate Pastor: affectionately known as the Prince of Darkness)
Sounds like me.


Me: Exactly what I was thinking.

Fr. Don: What book is that?


Me: The Three Keys to Heaven by Moritz Meschler, SJ

Fr. Don: (knowingly) Ah, a Jebbie.

Me: Still, doesn't make it not true.

Fr. Don: Well. Not all sarcasm is bad you know. Try driving without it.

Me: Point taken.


Pax

Road Closed! But It Isn't Always About You My Dear . . .

or so counsels my spiritual director.

On my way to my regular monthly appointment with Fr. Rick I encountered not one but two closed roads which caused me to be detoured way the heck out of my way and made me very late for my appointment. When I finally arrived at his office and we had settled in and said a prayer together I asked him to interpret for me the significance of not one by two roadblocks in my way today.

He then told me what I can't have known because I was enjoying the sun and surf in almost-paradise all summer: there was disastrous flooding in the area that displaced two thousand families from their homes and destroyed three bridges along State Road 46. So the closed road had absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual journey, because God wouldn't be that much of a bully to displace all those people just to send me a silly message. In essence Fr. Rick said "Get Real, it isn't always about you my dear." a message I need to be reminded from time to time.

I told him that it did offer me an opportunity to practice a discipline of patience (which I sadly lack and need the practice, ) so I did get some benefit from the detours. Grace comes even if the reason for the obstacle isn't meant for me. God can work like that.

I love spiritual direction and my spiritual director in particular because he has a way of making sure I don't take myself too seriously or take everything as a portent of something greater meant only for me (as if God's great big world does revolve around me and me alone). He also calls me on my faults, and helps me to try to root them out and keep them always in front of me, so that I can see them clearly.

The trip home was much less stressful, because I knew which way to go. That was nice.

Pax

For What Purpose are you Living?

Yesterday's Message for the Paulist year was so insightful and meaty and gave me so much to meditate on for the day that I felt I wanted to share it with everyone:



Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.~ St. Paul, 1 Corinthians 12:7



Many Christians, and really good Christians, as things go, consider that the whole of their religious duties are fulfilled in going regularly to Holy Mass, in approaching the sacrament of confession and in receiving Holy Communion, in fidelity to their daily prayers, and beyond these they seldom look. When they have accomplished these duties they think they will be perfect Christians. Now these Christians are like the one who when asked, why do you eat? And he answers, to support my life and gain strength. True, but what is your life for? To what purpose is your strength? Life and strength is not an end, but the means to an end.... So one might say to these Christians, [why] do you go to Holy Mass, make confession, receive holy communion, and say your daily prayers for? You ought to have an aim in all these holy exercises, and keep it steadfastly before your mind, and employ them as means to attain and secure it...

-Father Isaac Hecker, Servant of God, Founder of the Missionary Society

of St. Paul the Apostle (1819 - 1888)

angelmeg again:

It isn't enough to live right if you aren't working in some way to help build the Kingdom of God. Living right is only the means by which you gain the strength and purpose for the vocation and purpose in God's plan that you and only you can fill.

If you aren't thinking, praying and working toward that purpose with each devotion, at each mass, every day, then what are you doing? Your precious time here in this world is being wasted away.

Jesus is coming, Get busy!

Pax

GO:Theology Thursday: What I'm Reading

I picked up a little book at a Red Cross Book Fair for no better reasons and than:

1) it was dollar-a-bag day

& 2) I could fit it into my bag

& 3) it was written by a Jesuit

Seriously, one should never need more compelling reasons to purchase a book, don't you think? It sat on my shelf for months unread as I completed my Gradual School finals. Then just as I was entering the Season of Lent this year and looking for something new to read my eye landed on this little blue volume with the interesting title:

The Three Keys to Heaven

by Moritz Meschler, S.J.

I had all but forgotten about slipping it into the crevice at the side of my "dollar-a-bag" day haul. Seeing no other title that really sparked my interest, I picked up this little volume and decided to give it a read as my Lenten Study. The author chose a very old style of flowery language (and gender exclusive pronouns ) and because of those facts I assumed it had been written a very long time ago, but the copyright date is 1981-- so go figure. Part of the language difficulty might be that the author first wrote in German and this was a translation from German, so I give him some leeway that the stiffness comes from translational difficulty.

Having said that, I LOVE THIS BOOK. The wisdom of the message is not lost in the odd language choices. In fact not long after my first quick read through I began to re-read it and underline passages I wanted to remember (as if I were studying again).

The "keys to heaven" or fundamental principals of the spiritual life as the author sees them are: prayer, self denial, and love of the Divine Saviour. Each of the three is taken in great detail from a basic definition to stumbling blocks, to graces received. My greatest struggle with the language was in the section on self denial because the author uses the language of mortification and I struggle to understand that type of language completely, but even so there is so much to be gained from the wisdom of those pages. One of my favorite passages from this section (it became my lectio divina for that day in fact) was:

Too much food overburdens the stomach, too much knowledge
puffs up the mind. Knowledge is not the highest good, truth stands
higher. Without truth, knowledge is mere deceit and falsehood.
Therefore, study and inquiry must follow a certain order: we must learn first what is necessary, then what is useful, then what is pleasant.

(The Three Keys to Heaven M. Meschler S.J. 100)

Anyway, I just wanted to share a wonderful little book that I found by God-incidence at a Red Cross book fair and have become so attached to because it is teaching me volumes about the spiritual life. I am continuing to study and underline passages to use as Lectio.

I hope you can find a copy somewhere (although I doubt you will find one for the same price I paid for my copy) and reap the same benefit.

Pax

GO Theology Thursday on Friday: When We Get it Wrong (again)!

The fact that my Theology Thursday post for this week is actually not only being posted but actually being written on Friday goes nicely with the theme as stated above: When we get it wrong (again)! You see, yesterday we went to our parish Lenten Penance service, and I had been trying to figure out all day how to name the state of sin that I have presently found myself.

I was taught that one is not supposed to discuss what happens in the confessional (and since I don't want all two of my loyal readers to fall asleep at their computers I will refrain from giving you a verbatim account of what actually happened in my confession anyway but suffice it to say that with the help of a wonderful confessor who was there in persona Christi I was able to name the sinful state which had something to do with the rationalization that God made me this way so it must be okay with Him, but this week it hit me that "Oh no He didn't!" the fall made me this way and God expects so much more from me than the piddly little I am willing to offer. If I use that argument then I am no better than the people who fall into sexual sin and say they can't help the way they are! I was totally convicted, but not defeated, because becoming aware of where I was made me capable of finding a way out of the funk I was wallowing in.

Father and I discussed how I could begin to heal myself and my relationship with those whom my sinful condition had affected. The problem is that I can't do this on my own and when I try to do this mending on my own I just get into more difficulty.

So for my penance I was told to pray every day for the grace to admit that I need God's grace to change the situations that need to be changed in my life for the better. Then I have to be open to receiving and acting on that grace when God grants it. My old way was simply trying to "do it myself" and in doing that I have gotten it all wrong. I can do nothing by my own power. Not even the simple things I offered to give up for Lent were done by my own power, I could only accomplish them through God's grace.

So, when I admit before I even begin that I am powerless without God's grace to change my situation, then I can do so much more because I am not trying to rely on my own abilities but I am counting on God to supply what I need.

This morning when I went to my weekly prayer group the women I group with confirmed that this was a profound insight. This is the reason that groups like AA work; because they begin by admitting that one is powerless to overcome the addiction without the help of a higher power.

So, I am going to begin to use a new ejaculation prayer, whatever I need to call it. From now on, before I start any task that seems too daunting or too officious, or I just don't want to do, even though I know I should be doing it I am going to say this prayer:

Heavenly Father, with your help I will be able to . . .

Okay, so maybe while I am cleaning the toilets it may have to be a mantra, but I have to give it a try. It is a penance after all.

Pax

GO Training Tuesday: Mind Body Spirit Connection

Last month when I was at my Spiritual Direction appointment my Spiritual Director and I were discussing how important our respective physical training regimens have become in our lives and how connected they were to our spiritual lives.

As my body gets stronger, I am much more prepared to be the person that God created me to be. We also discussed the meditative state that one can enter while exercising. I have found that my exercise time is great prayer time (and not just because I am saying prayers of thanksgiving after my sets on the core bench are done).

I also find that I am in much better spirits when I exercise regularly, and when I get out of sync with my pattern of regular exercise I can tell, just as I can when I get out of sync with my regular prayer time. Friday was the last time I was able to get in a full workout because the weekend was crazy. Saturday we worked to get a storage closet at the house cleaned out, and Sunday I was so tired out that I spent the entire afternoon napping. Mondays I spend the day at the angelbaby's school in the Media Center so there is no time for a workout, and today I am at home trying to catch up on laundry that is spilling out of the laundry room and will take over the family room if I don't get a handle on it (I am also a bit under the weather and I don't think I could handle a full workout today if I tried). Tomorrow I will meet with my trainer, so I will be getting a full workout in, and not a moment too soon.

I also have found that I have a definite biorhythmic limit to when I can workout. If I don't get my workout in between 9 am and 5 pm fogetaboudit! Any earlier and I am just not awake, any later and I am a lost cause for the rest of the day. Mrangelmeg likes to work out at 9 pm and has invited me to join him. I just don't have the energy or motivation to workout that late in the evening.

This is a good sign. I am so connected to my training regimen that when I am away from my regular schedule for even a few days I miss it. I can tell that my body is changing. My hips and abs are getting less flabby, and I am finally losing weight. Someday, maybe not soon, but someday with God's help and my continued dedication, I will be in pretty good shape.

If I can do this, anybody can.

Pax

Rest as a Spiritual Practice

Today a friend was telling me that she has been very weary lately. She has been unusually overscheduled for the last month because of her children, and has had some difficulty adjusting to the harried change in her normal routine. That has been coupled with some mental pause moments that are causing her to have less than adequate sleep at night.

I did tell her that there is something very rejuvenating about a quick afternoon nap. It helps me a lot, especially when the alternative is that I will be in an awful mood around the kids for the remainder of the evening.

What I should have told her was that rest is so very important that God elevated it to the level of a commandment. We NEED rest that much. A lack of good rest can cause all kinds of physical and mental issues and lack of rest coupled with stress in other areas of our lives can make for very dangerous situations.

Just this week in Spiritual Direction Fr. and I were discussing the spirit/mind/body connection. How can we be in a healthy spiritual place if we aren't in a healthy place mentally or bodily. We have to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves especially when our lives are extremely stressful. We are at our best when we take care of the all three areas of our lives.

Maybe what I will do is write my friend an email and send her a copy of this post. But first I think it is time for me to take a nap. I had a session with my trainer today and I am wiped out. Then I need to cook dinner for the family. We are having fish tonight because it is Friday, I am actually cooking fish all by myself. Wish me luck.

Pax

An Ammended Lent (Already?)

So we are only at the first Sunday of Lent and I am already seeing that my Lenten Promise is going to take some ammending:

I had promised to give up being judgmental (something I struggle with mightily) for lent. After only the first three days I was totally aware that it was going to be utterly impossible for me to give up being judgmental cold turkey. As mrangelmeg says the first step is to admit that you have a problem.

So I have ammended my lenten promise. Now I am going to make myself aware of the times when I slip into a judgmental attitude and pray for God's grace and forgiveness at that exact moment. After a few days of adopting this new more prayerful attitude I have found that I am praying almost constantly, which while a bit sad, is not altogether a bad thing.

I heard a priest on a show on EWTN the other night say that one should ask God for a spirit of docility because a docile spirit is one that is teachable. So while I am becoming aware of how totally judgmental I am of others and asking God to break my stony judgmental heart and create in my a new, more compassionate heart I am trying, desperately to do it in the spirit of docility so that the lessons God is teaching me will stick and when I move through these forty days I will emerge at Easter having been made anew.

Hey stop laughing, it could happen!

Pax

Where is God?

I went for my monthly Spiritual Direction visit today. After listening to me recount my life as I have lived it over the last month - trying to juggle being a mother, wife, student, daughter, housekeeper (yeah, a lot of that has gotten done this last month) friend, sister, evangelist, pilgrim, etc, etc. Fr. had the nerve to ask "where do you find God in all of this?"

I sat there in stunned silence for a moment, thinking.

It was then I realized, God must be here, in the midst of the struggle, and the anguish over the essays and the rush to cook dinner for a family that I have all but ignored all day trying to get something on paper. He must be somewhere in the piles of laundry that go unwashed another day as I struggle to fit in one more visit to Mrs Alzheimer's, who doesn't care that I am there and really doesn't want me to visit anyway. There is a grace in all of this even if the grace isn't bringing with it the peace that I normally feel.

The Israelites in the desert didn't feel a great deal of peace I am guessing, but God was with them every step of their journey testing them, making them stronger and proving them to be His people.

So, I came away from Spiritual Direction with the promise that God is with me in the struggle that I find myself in at the present moment. So long as I keep taking the next step of faith and making the next right decision God will guide me through and eventually I will regain that sense of peace and balance that I need in my life.

Let's just hope that happens before I lose all my pretty marbles mkay?

Pax

Detachment as a Spiritual Discipline and Way of Life

I have been thinking about detachment a lot in the last few days. It might be because I am going to have to place my mom in a dementia/Alzheimer's ward of a long term care facility and who in their heart wants to have to place someone they love behind locked doors for what is essentially the rest of her life?

I realized that when it comes to making decisions about mom and where she is I have always tried to take my cues from her. So long as she realized that she was at home in her house that was where I wanted her to stay. Now that she isn't even aware that it is her home most of the time and can't find her way around it anyway, it is time to move her out of there and into a place where she will get round the clock care and take that burden off of my sisters' shoulders.

So, in the way that we do as a family (everyone trying to take credit for doing the most) we are moving forward to get mom placed in an accredited, well run facility where she will be safe and hopefully my sisters will be able to sleep better knowing that skilled people are looking out for her needs and they don't have to stay up all night with her because she can't sleep and might wander out of the house in the middle of the night.

I have kept as my mantra through the last three years:

Do the next right thing,

make the next right decision,

live in this moment,

that is the best you can do.

Not everyone has agreed with my decisions when I have made them, but I do believe that at the time that I made them they were the right ones for that circumstance. It is so hard to say goodbye to mom. It is hard to think of her not being there in her house --the one I lived in when I was in high school, and the one where I was introduced to mrangelmeg and we spent many happy times. I still have all those memories, but to think that the woman that was the center of those memories still exists is wrong.

I said goodbye to mom in 2003. I remember the exact day, I had had an absolutely horrible morning at work and really needed to talk to her and I called her on the phone. I was beginning to pour out my heart, hoping she would help me make sense of where I was and what I should do in this particular situation and the response I got was a cold hard woman who didn't have time for me and my trivial issues. I was devastated at the time but after I hung up the phone it occurred to me that she probably hadn't even realized who I was when I was talking to her and she had gotten very confused so her reaction was anger, not at me but at her disease.

I sat in my car on the street in front of my office and cried for two hours because I realized then and there that I could never just expect to call mom's phone number and get mom on the phone. Sometimes when I called I would get Mrs. Alzheimer's instead. I made a conscious decision on that date to say goodbye to mom so that no matter how Mrs Alzheimer's treated me I would never be confused into thinking that I was being verbally abused by my mom.

I think it is because of my level of detachment from the disease and my ability to not let it affect me that I have been capable of dealing with her behavior changes and my having to take over more and more of her banking and household management issues (two things I leave in the capable hands of mrangelmeg in my own house).

I can go up there and visit her and it doesn't hurt when she makes a scene when we are out in public, because it isn't my mom that has made the scene it is Mrs. Alzheimer's. I can leave her in the capable hands of the staff of the hospital and nursing home and breathe a sigh of relief that I am not the one who has to worry anymore because she will be in a safe environment and they will take care of her needs. I can visit her there and not expect her to realize who I am, I can share my world with her and try to live in her world a little too, and not feel torn up inside that life isn't fair.

I feel blessed that I have been given this gift or that I learned about it just in time because it is very new to me in terms of my spiritual growth. Interestingly though even before I realized that detachment was what I was actually practicing, my heart was already preparing to be detached.

It is nice to realize that I am growing too, though.

Pax

Direction Comes, Even When You Don't Get Directed . . . God is So Good!

My Spiritual Director is ill this week and had to cancel our regular monthly appointment, so I missed my monthly shot of spiritual direction. I felt really bad for him because being the pastor of two parishes and all it must be difficult for him to admit that he has to cancel everything on his calendar and stay in bed (he really must be sick, especially to cancel Mass).

This morning though I got a very eye opening and deeply needed moment of correction from my devoted and highly put upon husband as he was preparing to leave for work. I was musing out loud about losing someone's email address, and he asked a simple question and I jumped to a totally wrong conclusion about the intent of his question (something he pointed out later in the conversation that I do quite often.)

It occurred to me, as I listened to what he was saying and then used that as prayer meditation as I spent a half hour on the treadmill. I usually react to what he has said before I even try to understand what he means. I really need to work on that because I know that he doesn't intend to say things to hurt me and if I would just stop and think I might understand that he is simply asking a question to gather more information and not trying to in any way impugn my intelligence or capabilities as a person. He just likes to have all of the facts before he makes a statement because he is a Myers Brigs TJ where I am an FP.

As I was doing my meditation walk (sounds so much better than exercise don't you think?) I realized that while I have been trying to make changes in myself in the last year and thought that I had come pretty far, I still have a lot of growing to do. The first thing I need to do is to publicly apologize to mrangelmeg for being so blinded to how ignorant I have been in the past to our different communication styles. Then I need to thank him for the loving correction and not so gentle nudge he gave me this morning that started me on this path of self revelation. I have to learn to stop jumping to conclusions before I jump into or off of something that will do irreparable harm to our relationship.

I am so blessed to have mrangelmeg in my life. In the Vocation of Marriage the role of each spouse is to insure that the other spouse gets into heaven. In our case I think mrangelmeg has the tougher assignment. Be patient with me I may be slow but I do eventually get it.

Pax