Some Closure isn't What You Hope it Will Be

I wrote a few weeks ago about our friend Brayton who died of cancer on July 3rd. That same evening, his father walked out of the nursing home where he had been living and disappeared into the night. There was great hope that Brayton (the father) would be found alive and they had been searching Las Cruces and as far away as El Paso Texas for him ever since.

Today came news that Brayton's (the father) body has been found in an undeveloped area of Las Cruces. The police do not expect foul play in his death and considering the amount of time since he went missing it is more likely that he simply died of exposure.

Please keep this family in your prayers. They have had to deal with so much in such a short time and this will add to their already stressful lives. June (the mother) was recovering from a heart attack when her son died and her husband went missing. I can't imagine what she must be feeling now.

May Our Lord grant both Braytons eternal rest and peace and healing to their family.

Pax

Interpretation of Dreams

I dreamed about my mother last night, not once but twice -- two distinctive dreams about mom in a slightly more communicative state than she is in at this point in her disease.

In the first dream she was trying to tell me something, but each time she kept slipping and thinking I was a friend from her high school days. She would then begin to talk about her brother Chuck (Charley Boy she called him, when they were in high school). I couldn't seem to get her back into the present moment. It was shortly after that that I woke up from that dream.

In the second dream her sister Louise was still alive and very vibrant (which she was almost right up until she died at about age 90) and had come to see mom, but mom was very confused. Louise seemed to think that all mom needed was more exercise, to get out of the house more (mom had become very house bound near the end because of her fear of her bladder control issues). I was walking outside with mom and we kept meeting people that she knew, and she was pretending that she still remembered who they were, but she didn't actually remember any of them, and then I woke up from that dream.

It bothers me a little that I dreamed about mom twice in one night, and both dreams involved her dead siblings. Do these dreams have some underlying meaning or am I just beginning to grieve that she is the only one left of her three siblings (and their spouses for that matter)? After I woke up from the second dream I was so rattled that I couldn't get back to sleep.

Maybe, this is all just part of the process of my saying goodbye to mom. After all Alzheimer's disease is called "the Long Goodbye". In my dreams I actually get to talk to her again, even for a little while. I would give just about anything to have one more conversation with her.

Pax

RIP: A Great Man Leaves Us

Charlton Heston died yesterday. He was 84 and had been suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Knowing how painful and slow the progression of this disease is, all I can say is, rest in peace good man, rest in peace.

My oldest daughter's response when she heard the news was "Now someone can pry the weapon from his cold, dead hands."

She gets it from her father.

Pax

How Much Righteous Indignation do you get . . .

before it becomes the mortal sin of Anger?

I am just wondering because something happened this evening that has me boiling over. My mom has been falling a lot lately because the Alzheimer's disease is affecting her peripheral vision and her ability to judge distances. Twice in the last week she has fallen and hit her head.

It is the policy of the nursing home that when she falls and hits her head they have to send her to the emergency room of the local hospital which is about a five minute ambulance ride down the road. Tonight she fell and hit the back of her head and raised a pretty big goose egg (that is the technical term, don'tcha know), so the nurse on her wing at the home thought they would probably have to do a cat scan when she got to the hospital to make sure there wasn't a concussion, especially because she can barely respond to verbal questions on a good day.

Well, it turns out that when she got to the ER the Dr. didn't even let the Paramedics unstrap her from their gurney, they just asked if she had lost consciousness and when the paramedics said no the Dr. sent her back to the nursing home without even treating her.

I am livid! Would he have been that callous if that had been his mother? Was he having a bad day? What could have possessed him to be that unfeeling? I just hope, for his sake (and for mom's) that mom doesn't end up with a closed head hematoma, or a broken rib or something else he didn't take the time or energy to look for.

Sheesh! All I have to say is Karma is a bitch, and he will get his someday.

Mom is back at the nursing home where the staff loves her and will watch over her carefully for the next 72 hours to make sure that she doesn't have any ill effects from her fall. I have left instructions for the Dr. to at least try mom out on a walker; with the help of the physical therapy staff there she just might catch on that using a walker will help her balance better (at least it can't hurt to try).

And I am going to say some extra prayers of blessing for the Dr. that that I have been cursing for the last hour. Please join me, he may need them.

Pax

Funerals aren't all bad

God was so present on Tuesday at my Aunt's funeral it made us all joyful.


The first incidence was when I opened my Daily Office for that day and the first reading for the Office of Readings was

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God,

and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;

and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.

But they are in peace.

For if before men, indeed, they be punished,

yet is their hope full of immortality;
Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,

because God tried them and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,

and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.

In the time of their visitation they shall shine,

and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,

and the LORD shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,

and the faithful shall abide with him in love:

Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,

and his care is with the elect.

Wisdom 3:1-9

Then it turned out that this was also one of the readings that they had chosen for Aunt Mary's mass. It was so affirming especially because my closest cousin left the church nearly 20 years ago and has been a Baptist lo these many years. She just recently picked up a Catholic Women's Devotional Bible and has been using it for her morning scripture study and has been GREATLY moved by the affirmation and help she has found in its pages. For us to discover together that the Church in her infinite wisdom had chosen that specific reading for the exact day of her mom's funeral was such an eye opening God-incidence for her.

The Cantor for the Mass sang Panis Angelicus in English. This is possibly one of my favorite hymns but I had never actually heard the English lyrics before and was amazed at how beautiful they are. (Score one big one for the vernacular)

It rained pretty much the entire day, (Aunt Mary always said "It's good for the ducks" on rainy days) but just as the service at the graveside was ending and we were walking back to the cars a ray of sunshine broke through the clouds.

I was able to give some good counsel to my cousins who are dealing also with their father's increased dementia and have placed him in a nursing home. He didn't even make it to the funeral because he is so far gone. I kept reassuring them that they should not tell him that Mary is dead. For him she can always remain alive. When he asks when he will see her they can say, "She had to go to the Dr. today but she will come tomorrow." She will always be on her way to see him, with his memory loss that will be enough to reassure him.

I spent a lot of time getting acquainted or reacquainted with my cousins and their husbands, wives and children. One of the kids, a very astute 14 year old boy said "I hate that the only time I get to see all of my cousins is at funerals." A greater truth could not be spoken about families.

My sister and brother and I all came away feeling very blessed that we have such a great extended family and we need to keep in touch with everyone.

I got home to my family about 8:30 and my kids were actually happy to see me.

Will wonders never cease.

Thanks to everyone who sent prayers and condolences.

Pax

Sunday is a day for Prayers, Reflection and Wind in my Hair?

So mom got put into the hospital last night because she was in a violent rage (not the first since she got to the nursing home) This one was so bad that for her own safety they had to restrain her to keep her from injuring herself and others. So we are back to square one, she is in a Geriatric Behavioral Health facility where hopefully they can address whatever it is that is causing these rages and get her back to her easygoing self (well as much as her disease will allow of that) and get her back into the nursing home as quickly as possible.

Mrangelmeg and I drove up to get her signed in and see if there was anything the hospital needed for us to know. Mrangelmeg was as excited as a 16 year old kid because I agreed to let him drive the Jeep (without the soft top). He loves his jeep and to get to take it out on the highway was a thrill I guess. I didn't mind all that much except for the tangles I got from having my hair whip around for three hours or more (in three drives not all at once).

Oldest daughter came back to pick up more of her clothes and regale me with stories about apartment living (still no working dryer in their apartment, half the complex was without power for most of the day, She and her roommates are getting along great.)

She has an interview at Staples tomorrow for a new (second) job. If they hire her she is going to work both jobs for a while to save money and then when she decided that she can live on her Staples salary she is going to quit waitressing altogether.

Mrangelmeg left right after dinner to visit with his mom. I think that spending the afternoon with my mom was a great wake up call that he needs to be more attentive to his mom while she is still alive and capable of conversation. My mother-in-love is a wonderful woman, she still washes and irons mrangelmeg's dress clothes (since she retired anyway) Me being the wonderful daughter-in-love that I am takes a load of dress clothes over to her house every week (What a sacrifice for me).

Please pray with me that things go well for my mom and my daughter.

Pax

Check That One Off my To Do List . . .

I placed my mom in a "memory care" unit of a nursing home today. We got her settled into her room and just about the time she realized that she was staying and we were going to leave she got a bit upset with us.

I made sure that they have her down as Catholic and the next time the EMHC from the local parish comes through she will be reminded to receive, which will make her happy. There were quite a few Catholic members of the staff so that was nice as well.

We met her new Dr. and I like him. He is very gentle with her and does a wonderful job of making her feel as though she still has worth even if she can't remember how many of her kids were boys and how many were girls (3 boys, 6 girls).

When he asked her how old she was she said that she was too old to live and too feisty to die. That is pretty much my mom.

Anyway about ten minutes after we met with her Dr. the Nurse on the ward distracted mom so that we could leave. I was sad on the way home, but I know this is the safest place for her.

Now I just have to figure out how to keep her there, the place is darned expensive and she has very little ready cash. I will have to decide pretty soon if we should sell her house. I have one other alternative, I found a whole life policy in her things, so I may be able to cash that in for the cash value and use that for about a year while I try to find someone to help us keep the house for my sister who has lived there as long as mom (going on 34 years).

It is all so difficult. I want to thank you all for your prayers.

Pax

Detachment as a Spiritual Discipline and Way of Life

I have been thinking about detachment a lot in the last few days. It might be because I am going to have to place my mom in a dementia/Alzheimer's ward of a long term care facility and who in their heart wants to have to place someone they love behind locked doors for what is essentially the rest of her life?

I realized that when it comes to making decisions about mom and where she is I have always tried to take my cues from her. So long as she realized that she was at home in her house that was where I wanted her to stay. Now that she isn't even aware that it is her home most of the time and can't find her way around it anyway, it is time to move her out of there and into a place where she will get round the clock care and take that burden off of my sisters' shoulders.

So, in the way that we do as a family (everyone trying to take credit for doing the most) we are moving forward to get mom placed in an accredited, well run facility where she will be safe and hopefully my sisters will be able to sleep better knowing that skilled people are looking out for her needs and they don't have to stay up all night with her because she can't sleep and might wander out of the house in the middle of the night.

I have kept as my mantra through the last three years:

Do the next right thing,

make the next right decision,

live in this moment,

that is the best you can do.

Not everyone has agreed with my decisions when I have made them, but I do believe that at the time that I made them they were the right ones for that circumstance. It is so hard to say goodbye to mom. It is hard to think of her not being there in her house --the one I lived in when I was in high school, and the one where I was introduced to mrangelmeg and we spent many happy times. I still have all those memories, but to think that the woman that was the center of those memories still exists is wrong.

I said goodbye to mom in 2003. I remember the exact day, I had had an absolutely horrible morning at work and really needed to talk to her and I called her on the phone. I was beginning to pour out my heart, hoping she would help me make sense of where I was and what I should do in this particular situation and the response I got was a cold hard woman who didn't have time for me and my trivial issues. I was devastated at the time but after I hung up the phone it occurred to me that she probably hadn't even realized who I was when I was talking to her and she had gotten very confused so her reaction was anger, not at me but at her disease.

I sat in my car on the street in front of my office and cried for two hours because I realized then and there that I could never just expect to call mom's phone number and get mom on the phone. Sometimes when I called I would get Mrs. Alzheimer's instead. I made a conscious decision on that date to say goodbye to mom so that no matter how Mrs Alzheimer's treated me I would never be confused into thinking that I was being verbally abused by my mom.

I think it is because of my level of detachment from the disease and my ability to not let it affect me that I have been capable of dealing with her behavior changes and my having to take over more and more of her banking and household management issues (two things I leave in the capable hands of mrangelmeg in my own house).

I can go up there and visit her and it doesn't hurt when she makes a scene when we are out in public, because it isn't my mom that has made the scene it is Mrs. Alzheimer's. I can leave her in the capable hands of the staff of the hospital and nursing home and breathe a sigh of relief that I am not the one who has to worry anymore because she will be in a safe environment and they will take care of her needs. I can visit her there and not expect her to realize who I am, I can share my world with her and try to live in her world a little too, and not feel torn up inside that life isn't fair.

I feel blessed that I have been given this gift or that I learned about it just in time because it is very new to me in terms of my spiritual growth. Interestingly though even before I realized that detachment was what I was actually practicing, my heart was already preparing to be detached.

It is nice to realize that I am growing too, though.

Pax

One of us Got to Go Home

I am back at home for a few days. My mom is still in the special ward of the hospital where they will take great care of her until we find her a long term care placement in a dementia/Alzheimer's Unit.

She seems to understand that she will be in a place like this for the duration and has accepted it. I need to get back to being mom to my kids and wife to my husband as well as being her Power of Attorney, so now that I know that the place where she is in the hospital is taking good care of her I came home to do the sorting out of finding a long term placement for her. Tomorrow I begin to call facilities to see if I can find a bed and what I can do to get her squared away. I may have to go back up there as early as next week to get her settled in a new place but I am hoping that we can avoid placing her somewhere temporarily while we try to find a more permanent placement.

On the home front, mrangelmeg is back for five days before his next trip. This will become the regular pattern with his new position, the short hop travelling every week or so. I suppose now is as good a time as any to get used to it. I came home because I needed to have him as a sounding board and to help me make these decision in person because there is only so much I can talk over with him via cell phone.

It will be nice to spend a few days with him before I head back to deal with mom again. Besides that we are going to try to take a one day family vacation, all seven of us, on Saturday to a nearby theme park. Between now and then I have a lot of phone calls to make and stuff to deal with.

One whole day of vacation this summer. How did I get so lucky?

Pax

Another Good Day

I came to visit mom today. This has been a good day. I thought I should take a few moments to count my blessings before I go to sleep.

1) mom remembered my name, when I came in the door she called me Maggie right away, I don't know if she was prompted by Tina, but even if she was she used my name a few more times today and it felt really good that she remembered my name.

2) we took a walk around her neighborhood. It was nice to get back outside again. She really likes to go out for short walks and I like to get her outside, but the weather has been so nasty the last few times that we haven't been able to do this. We had some wonderful conversation while we were on our walk too. I know she won't remember our conversation, but it was nice while it lasted.

3) she has had her sense of humor again, something that has been lacking over the last few months. I wonder if this is due to the new Alzheimer's medicine the Dr has her on. I hope she can keep it for a while.

4) she was fascinated by my IPod. She watched most of a video on it before she got bored. It was really fun watching her have fun with the technology.

5) We went out for Chinese food that tasted really good.

6) She let me help her with the self care activities that she has usually only wanted my sister to help her with. I like the fact that she is allowing me to help with these things since I am going to come and stay with her this summer. I need to get in the mode of doing for her.

So, Praise God for His many blessings.

Pax

Working Together to Work Things Out

My Three sisters and I who together are taking care of my mom are here at my mom's house (well two live here full time and one sister and I come in when we are needed) this week to make changes in her daily routine and care.

Mom is moving into a new level of confusion in her disease, and it is very wearing on all of us. It is especially hard on my sister Tina who does most of the full time care. Right now mom keeps insisting that she has to go home every few minutes. I even took her out for a walk and "walked her back to her house" this afternoon. When we got back here she thanked me for going out of my way to take her home.

Tomorrow is a big day, we are getting a hospital bed delivered for her to sleep in because she has been falling out of bed a lot lately. This will be very difficult for her because it will be a change from what she is used to and any change is hard for her. I think it will take all four of us to get her through this.

I know that each day with mom is a blessing, but some blessings are mixed. We love mom, and we want to keep her safe here in this house because we know that this is a better place than any nursing home will be. We are willing to do everything that we have to do to keep her safe. The problem is that in doing so we may have to suffer a lot of abuse in order to get through this.

I trust that God will be with us as we go through the refiner's fire.

Pax

Update on Yesterday

Blessedly, they came and got my car, took it to the shop and when they got it off the wrecker they tried to start it and it wouldn't start. They were about to shove it into a work bay when one of the mechanics got in and turned the key just to see what would happen and it started just fine. Every time after that it started just fine. Thankfully the shop where I took it was run by an honest Christian man who didn't try to sell me something I didn't need. He told me that not having any diagnosable problem, there was nothing he could do for me. So I went and got it and drove it home without a problem. He checked the battery and everything he could, but since the starter worked fine every time they tried it, except that first time, he didn't feel that he could honestly sell me a starter. I was only charged for towing and a diagnostic fee that was less than a half hour of labor cost, so I think that was very fair of him, and he promised that if I had any trouble while I was still in town he would bring it back for free (not charge another towing fee).

I have driven it today and no more problem. I really think it was a blessing that I was around to observe the changes my mom is going through. She really needs changes in her meds and my sisters need more help with respite care which we are getting them through Area 7 Agency on Aging. Perhaps the wandering at night can be controlled by my one sister staying up later a night and then napping when the aide is there in the afternoon.

Like I said before it is such a dance, you get used to one set of symptoms and the rhythm and tempo changes.

Pax

Everything Happens for a Reason . . .

even cars breaking down.

Today my car broke down and I am stranded at my mom's house. I had intended to leave here by noon and be on my merry way back home. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical failure that I first thought was a dead battery because this is the first time my car hasn't been in a garage at night, but is something more serious because a jump didn't help and the electrical stuff came right back I had to have my car towed to a shop.

So, now I am here at mom's and am observing what my sisters have to deal with when they take care of my mom. Last night was a bad night. Mom didn't settle down until after one in the morning. I think she finally got to sleep at 3. I stayed awake so that if she came back down stairs someone would be awake. My sisters do this every night! She seems pretty awake having only had a few hours sleep, I am exhausted.

Her medication is supposed to keep her calm and not agitated, but she has gotten angry three or four times today over things that don't really matter. My sisters have handled it really well, but to have to take this kind of abuse every day would be extremely hard to bear I think.

Mom needs to have her meds changed for sure. Alzheimer's is such a dance, one set of meds will work for a while, and then suddenly it will just stop working. At least now we know. If my sisters are going to be able to take care of her and take care of themselves, we need to get this straightened out very quickly.

Good can be so good. If my car hadn't broken down I wouldn't have seen how really bad this was getting with my own eyes. I only hope this lesson doesn't cost me too much in car repairs.

Pax

Finding a New Way to Love

I have run away from home . . .


I am spending the next few days at my mom's house because my sister who does the 24/7 care for my mom needed a mental health break, so she went away for the holiday and was supposed to be back on Sunday the 26th. Only she called on Friday to inform us that she cannot get back until Thursday, so another sister and I are tag teaming to make up the full time care. Jeanne has been there since Friday morning and I am going to stay through the first part of the week and then Jeanne will be back on Wednesday afternoon.

I have stayed with my mom before, but this will be the first time I have been the primary caregiver. When you are dealing with someone with alzheimer's disease this can be very, very challenging indeed. You have to keep reminding yourself that the person you used to know is no longer there. Even though she may look and sound just like my mother, she can't reason, or remember in the same way.

She gets very upset when her routine is changed, so I have to be very careful to do things the same way they usually are done. Lucky for me that my other sister who lives here will still be here most of the time to help me out.

I know I can do this, one woman with alzheimer's can't be as challenging as my five kids and husband -- well at least can't be challenging in the same way. I have my daily mantra of prayers all set out.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

and help me make it to Wednesday with some of my wits and most of my sense of humor.

pray for me if you get a chance.

Pax